Late Tuesday night the famous Schoolhouse Rock song “I’m Just a Bill” was played in the Oval office for President Trump following the 10th executive order signed since his recent inauguration.White House staff members explained to reporters that although it seems Trump has ignored the legislative branch recently, it just comes down to a basic misunderstanding of the entire Democratic process.“Of course I know what checks and balances are” said Trump after being asked some basic political questions by Cardinal reporters on the scene. “I haven’t had to balance a checkbook since the third grade.”The informative video played for the President explains the long process a bill takes before it becomes a law through a series of heartwarming melodies and adorable cartoons.After some coaxing from White House staff members, President Trump sat down with Vice President Pence, cracked a beer, and watched as the little animated bill sing its way through the house and senate.Every few seconds, the newly elected president would pause the tape and ask a question, such as “Is the Capitol hill an actual hill?” or “Is that bill what Crooked Hillary’s husband looks like?”After the song ended, the President tweeted out “@SchoolhouseRock is #FakeNews. Shit animation to further big government’s propaganda.”
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During the tumultuous time surrounding the transfer of power between former President Obama and President Trump, allegations have surfaced that Trump may have a more long-standing relationship with Russia, Vladimir Putin, and Russian businesses than he indicated. While these claims remain unsubstantiated, they, along with reports of Russian election hacking, place additional suspicion that the President-elect was helped in winning the election by the Russian government.For many voters, however, these allegations pose other problems leading into Trump’s presidency. A large part of the President appeal during his candidacy was his lack of political experience, which set him apart from opponents and gave him an “outsider” image. This lack of experience proved to be a significant asset on the campaign trail. While very few political advisors would suggest making fun of veterans, disabled people and women, on election day voters shower that the mockery really resonated with them.Now, in light of the new accusations, the outsider image may be challenged. Amateur alligator tamer and Floridian Bobby Joe Bodean commented, “I only voted Trump for president because I thought he had no idea what he was doing! Seeing that this might have been planned makes me think I might have made a mistake, and thinking makes my head hurt.” This same idea was echoed among many Trump voters, especially those in less-affluent areas. While the way his campaign was run indicated little to no political savvy, possible ties to the Russian president indicate unexpected levels of political and diplomatic experience.In response to the allegation, many Congressmen from both sides of the aisle have called for various levels or retribution, ranging from a metaphorical slap on the wrist to a literal spanking. House Speaker John Boehner reminded his colleges that the accusations do not yet have any factual backing, and that a full investigation is still pending. This however prompted US Representative Gary Palmer to shout “Since when have facts started to get in the way of the American people’s justice?!” across the floor of the House.President Trump could not be reached for comment, as he was out of the country playing golf with definitely not Putin.
Do you have a hard time matching with people on Tinder? Has your mother told you she’s worried she’ll never have grandchildren? Well, worry no more, because the good folks at Tinder have come up with a new way to meet the love of your life. With the new TindIRL app you can now meet potential online partners, in person!
there is a witchin the kettles, whose houseis in a subtle glen.she brewsin a lakebed cauldronand picks her teethwith arrowheads. she onlyemerges in the fall, summertoo humid for her toadskin,winter too dryfor her warts.she is pale when she risesfrom the mud,’til she sucks colorfrom the leaves.the hikers don’t knowshe makes the worldyellow, and if they didI reckonthey’d think it was a gift,and not just a hungerfor green flesh. sometimesshe scuttlesout to the road,when a truck careensand kills a deerand she cutsit open with her teethand reads the rutting entrails.moths beat on her windows,flutteringtheir wings on the framesand bloodying their headson the panes.oh leaves, oh leavesshe hums,your mothers grieve.oh leaves, oh leavesshe sings.cold winter comes—I’ve got to leave.so she hikes back downto her coven holeand sleepsto the sound of snowflakes
The objective of the new Parker Brothers game, which retails for $49.99, is personal gain. Each player begins in a separate city, and from there they embark on risky—and opulently expensive—construction projects. In New York, viable properties range from the Chrysler building to the Flatiron Building, while across the country in San Francisco, Lombard Street and Alcatraz Island graciously accept nine-figure bids for players to contract, develop and build to the skies.Players aim to develop their properties to unreasonable lengths, with the ultimate goal of making as immense an impact on the regional skyline as possible. When landmarks of historic value are destroyed in the process, extra points are awarded and players move ahead in the game. The winner is declared when the final skylines are compared, and the player with the largest environmental and sociological footprint is crowned champion.Adding a fun twist to a classic game, the Deutsche Bank Creditors appear if an 11 is rolled via the twin dice. White Collar Cards can be used when Creditors attempt to collect a player’s debts. Players have the option to litigate Deutsche Bank to extend their playing time, although this move hinders construction projects and puts players behind in their game. Rolling an 11 to unleash Deutsche is the most detrimental move in “Monopoly: Real Estate Con Artist,” and should be averted if possible.Players collect Reputation Cards, which gauge public opinion. Reputation Cards are collected when players take out self-promoting advertisements in local newspapers, and are lost when Creditors are litigated and contractors are left underpaid or without pay at all. Reputation Cards, along with White Collar Cards, are the most important mechanic in the game aside from the construction itself.The game provides a fascinating new look at modern American business culture and the hilariously lackadaisical attitude of the regional real estate authorities toward ludicrously wealthy individuals who do whatever they desire—because much like a belligerent, petulant real estate meteorite might descend on New York City, the winner is the player who leaves the largest impact.
We all know the shiny (and often misplaced) key to a successful date is thoughtful conversation. But in times like these, locating that key amid the patchwork of memes, passwords, fanatical behaviors and psychological scarring that fills our minds can be difficult. Luckily, if world-class conversationalists are stylish yet weatherproof furniture, then the Almanac is the veranda of a rich southern land baron—i.e., we got you.Here are some conversation starters to try with your next hot date.1. Warm ups. ’Cause you gotta spark a flame to start a fire.Do I know you?What is your name?How are you?Are you lactose intolerant?2. If you’ve gotten this far it’s likely the date is going well, and you’re probably about halfway through a coffee and/or ham sandwich. It’s time to get to know what your date is passionate about, and show them how cultural and smart you are.What is your favorite movie?Have you seen that video online with the lawnmower and that goat?Did it upset you?Did you finish watching it, anyway?If Rocky Balboa and Clubber Lang were in a hot dog eating contest, who would win?If Rocky got in a bar fight with Rambo, who would win?What if Rambo was wielding a broken pool cue?What if the Rocky that Rambo was fighting was from Rocky IV, and in peak condition after training to box Ivan Drago?Do you think it’s implied that Rocky dies after the end of “Creed,” or do you think it’s possible a few months of pushups and eating raw eggs could see Rocky make a full recovery from cancer?3. Closers. These are the figurative left hooks to end your date with. If all rounds of the date have gone well thus far, it’s important to throw the knockout questions and express interest in a second outing.Would explicitly showing Rocky die at the end of “Creed” be in bad taste, or a painful but necessary step in ensuring the future protection of an American cultural legacy?Do you think that scene from the first “Rocky” movie when Rocky doesn’t let Adrian leave his apartment until she kisses him is sexual assault, or an awkward but romantic moment that just doesn’t reflect well on him under current social norms?Have you ever seen the movie “Rocky?”What about the sequels?Have you ever been so excited about something that you were afraid if you did it and nobody was around to watch over you that you might accidentally hurt yourself in your fit of excitement because you were just so passionate about a certain topic and to experience it in its pure form would be like mainlining a potent drug?Are you interested in watching every training montage from the “Rocky” franchise, back-to-back, including “Creed,” with the lights off and the volume at full blast?
When Americans voted for the next president in November, President Barack Obama entered the so-called “lame-duck period.” During this time, it is typically considered poor form for the president to pass legislation, especially if his replacement is from the other party.At a recent press conference, however, First Lady Michelle Obama revealed that her husband is no lame duck in their White House bedroom. Noting that he has been relatively active for a president in the lame-duck period, she went on to say that she has been “completely satisfied by his performance, both professionally and sexually.”When asked for more details, Michelle Obama touched on Barack Obama’s efforts to ensure that Planned Parenthood maintain its funding into the coming years, and also mentioned that he had recently invented a new sexual position called the “sitting duck,” though she would not elaborate on the details, citing that it is “relatively indecent.”The president’s office has suggested that Obama has two main priorities for the coming months: the TPP trade deal, and another attempt to confirm Judge Merrick Garland for the Supreme Court. However, with the Democratic Party being unable to flip Congress and an inbound Republican president, it seems unlikely the president will be able to succeed on either front. His last opportunity to influence the course of the country will be deciding on the budget for the coming fiscal year, which will likely be a lively struggle due to Congress’ complete unwillingness to do their jobs. Despite this, sources close to the first couple have reported that Barack Obama is in no way letting his professional frustration transfer to his relationship.When asked about his wife’s statement at a climate summit, the leader of the free world smiled knowingly, and conceded that recently, “Things have really been clicking between Michelle and I. Can we please get back to talking about rising global temperatures?” Stifling a storm of follow-up questions, he went on to say, “My sex life is between me, my wife and our housekeeper, and that’s all you need to know.”At press time, Obama was photographed fist-bumping Bill Clinton.
In a recent report by the center for climate change, Mother Earth is one smoking hot planet who just gets even hotter every decade.The all-knowing mysterious woman follows a strict tanning regimen at all times, bathing in the sun’s rays and rubbing a unique combination of Dove’s new “CO2 unleashed” tanning lotion as well as L’Oréal’s Ozone explosion moisturizer.
Citing its crisp, hoppy flavor and innately superior coloration, American white nationalists, commonly known as the “alt-right” (and most accurately known as neo-Nazis) declared Tuesday that American pale ale is the official beverage of choice for those wishing to undermine establishment politics and reinstate a dominative American master race. Richard Spencer, a prominent white nationalist and long-time pale ale drinker, spoke to The Daily Cardinal following the announcement. “This country was founded on the principles of Caucasian liberation and crisp, light-colored beers. We’ve since witnessed a sickening digression toward a multicultural national identity and a country-wide bar scene marred by darker brews like Oatmeal Stout and Belgian Porters,” Spencer said. “It is time for this nation to change. Hail cascade hops! Hail pale ale!” Sierra Nevada Brewing Company, a popular brewery among racists and non-racists alike, was pleased to have its pale ale appreciated on a national scale, but voiced some skepticism about the association with white supremacy. “We at Sierra Nevada really don’t see color,” said Ken Grossman, owner and founder of the company. “We dream of a world where beers will not be judged based on their color or complexion, but by the content of their character.”Across the country, those who oppose white supremacy have been protesting the movement and supporting people of color by boycotting pale ales of all types.Near press time, a group of right-wing dairy farmers was spotted protesting the decision, claiming that 2 percent milk would’ve made for a more representative beverage.
As we crawl toward the end of the semester, the snow is starting to fall and the degrees are dropping; it’s enough to make you want to bundle up in layers of flannel and fleece, turn your bedroom into a blanket cave and never leave.
American golf enthusiasts rejoiced Friday after Donald Trump’s transition team announced an agenda to rebuild the state of Florida. The proposal, known as “Drain the Swamp,” includes provisions to demolish low-income neighborhoods, stabilize swampland through large-scale casino construction efforts, and to build a goliath, 42-million-acre golf course encompassing the entire state.“Hopefully, our plans are widespread enough to cover the entire state of Florida,” incoming Chief of Staff Reince Priebus said. “We wouldn’t want to leave any key spots undeveloped.”The state of Florida measures 65,755 square miles in area, or just over 42 million acres of land. Trump’s plan, as outlined by Priebus, would demolish every man-made structure in Florida to make room for the new green.“We have buildings,” Trump announced, “standing in the way of our movement. They are badly built. They are built by illegal labor.”Critics of the proposal call it “ludicrous,” that the entire state of Florida would be overhauled for a recreational golf course, but its pundits cite economic traffic and tourist revenue as clear plus-sides of such a project.“When you look at economic activity,” a White House advisor said, “it’s clear that the average tourist needs an incentive to move inland from the beaches at Sarasota and Bradenton on the West Coast or Delray and Daytona on the East. The center of this state isn’t getting any attention at all.”“The golf course is going to drive revenues up state-wide,” Priebus said. “We predict a 270 percent growth in stateside GDP, and a 70 percent reduction in the unemployment rate by November of 2019.”The finalized project would involve the (forced) relocation of all 19.9 million Florida residents, the complete drainage of the Everglades National Park and the importing of 643 million pounds of unadulterated Chinese sod. When asked about the challenges the residents of Florida would have to face during the construction of the golf course, Priebus was nonchalant.“It’s business,” he said casually. “They’ll learn to play the game.”
In commendable and exciting fashion, Wisconsinite Ryan Burrows, 24, took the life of a wild deer using a high-powered rifle Tuesday.Burrows’ masculinity was on full display as he managed to discharge a 30-caliber round into the chest of the deer from about 40 feet away, knocking the animal over prior to its death seconds after.“Look at this big boy,” Burrows said, describing his victim triumphantly to Cardinal reporters. “I got him in one shot.”Burrows had been taking part in an act of heroism known as hunting, in which humans combine skill, bravery and lethal technology to slay wild animals solely for enjoyment. Though the operation was dangerous and required courage, Burrows refused to let fear consume him.“I wasn’t scared at all,” he said. “I saw the buck there, tried to remain calm and blew him away. Man, that was a hell of a shot.”The killing process—which Burrows executed to perfection—required him to initially aim his gun toward the deer and then pull the trigger, initiating a quick chain reaction that led to the expulsion of a metal projectile travelling at over 1,000 mph on its way to piercing several of the animal’s vital organs. “If I missed, he probably would have scurried away before I could get the next round off,” Burrows explained.At press time, it remains undetermined whether or not the deer was able to see Burrows, who was wearing camouflage patterned clothing.
How much did you spend on food last week? How many hours were spent preparing it? Did it even taste good? According to lifestyle guru Chaz Brockie, you’re spending too much money and time on food, and not getting the results you deserve. His answer: a steady diet of delicious mayonnaise supplemented with multivitamins.Brockie, a lifetime Madisonian, is at the heart of the mayo and vitamin diet craze. “It’s really starting to catch on,” Brockie said. “I’m seeing more and more people leave the unhealthy grains, expensive produce and meat on the store shelves.”The lifestyle pioneer said he has personally convinced “literally several” of his close friends to adopt the avant-garde diet.At 100 calories per tablespoon, it takes roughly 20 servings of mayonnaise a day to meet the calorie needs of the average American. With over 30 servings in the typical $3-dollar mayo jar, it’s easy to see the financial appeal.“Trust me, you won’t believe how much extra cash you’ll have,” Brockie said. In addition to immediate savings on food, the effect compounds through reduced electric bills and overhead kitchen costs. “Stoves, ovens, plates—forget that shit,” Brockie added, as he ingested handfuls of single-serving mayo packets stored in his pockets. “You don’t even need to pay for a fridge. The mayo says to refrigerate after opening, but if you eat it every day it’s gone so fast it doesn’t even matter.”Brockie is planning on experimenting with vegan-friendly options including Crisco and mustard.
1. The Eggs
FIRE ANT AT A GLANCE:
Franklin, Wis -- Attendees of the Weber family Thanksgiving expressed general confusion with regards to what Uncle Russ was doing in the other room with the turkey leftovers after dinner.
1. “Why so Syrian?”
1. Mark yourself as ‘Interested’ in local protests
WASHINGTON—Election officials are calling this year’s election a “heart-stopper” after Mitt Romney’s GOP team clinched a regulation victory over Barack Obama and the Democratic Party.
WASHINGTON STATE—Despite the widespread celebration of President Barack Obama’s re-election last night, one notable cabinet member, Hillary Diane Meriwether Jehoshaphat Rodham Clinton, was far too busy to spend the evening clinking drinks.