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(01/25/24 8:00am)
Q: Hey Morgan! I’m a freshman and completely new to Wisconsin. I’m originally from a warmer state and was warned about Midwest winters and the snow and cold, but I was never told about slush and ice. I’m having some difficulty getting to class. Do you have any advice?
(12/15/23 8:00am)
Q: Hey Morgan, I’m spending the holidays with my boyfriend’s family for the first time this year and I’m really excited, the only problem is his mother. I’ve met her a few times, and she’s always been cold and standoffish. Turns out she doesn’t like how I dress. The thing is I don’t even dress that weird, but she always makes snide comments about it. At this point, I don’t know if it’s actually my clothes or if she just doesn’t like me. What should I do?
(10/05/23 7:00am)
Ah, the start of the semester, and love is in the air. Except it’s not love — it's fear!
(09/07/23 7:00am)
I’d first like to applaud you for being able to scam your parents out of, what, hundreds of thousands of dollars? If you were smart, you would’ve put it away preparing for this day so you could just drop off the face of the planet, but I know better than to assume my audience are planners.
(09/07/23 7:00am)
Listen — I understand the struggle. I’m not built to work either. But if you want to keep living off daddy’s dime, you’ve got to do something that’s “more valuable” than some minimum wage job. That being experience.
(04/21/23 5:00am)
Well, first of all, what cultural experience is someone gaining from going to England? Sounds like an excuse to jack around for a semester in a country with a drinking age of 18. England is just proof that America is not that bad. It’s like when you have a friend who feels a little off, and then you get to meet their parents and suddenly everything makes sense. What does London have? Big Ben? As someone with a clock in their pocket, I am not impressed. Anyone who voluntarily goes to England shouldn’t be worth your precious time. Make some new friendships with sane people who stay in the lesser of two evils that America is. If you can’t find anyone, I myself am a sane person — even though many medical professionals disagree — and have not gone abroad this semester. You can find me at Memorial Union Mondays and Wednesdays from 2:20 p.m. to 3:40 p.m. trying to explode people with my mind. Hope this helps!
(04/28/23 5:00am)
Hopefully you’re getting your degree in something like architecture, and not something useless like creative writing, because you’re going to need it. My answer is tunnels. Listen, you can argue with dear old ma and pa (or whichever other combination of parental figure titles) all you want, but it’s not going to happen. They are trying to assert their dominance over you like any good alpha would, so debate is not going to fix this problem. You have to take matters into your own hands. If they treat you like a rat, turn their home into a maze. Listen, plenty of kings had mistresses (and paramours) who needed to be snuck through the castle, and you know how they did it? With tunnels. You need to create a secret tunnel between you and your man’s room for your rendezvous. You get to be together with your lover and his parents don’t know. Everyone’s happy. Hope this helps!
(04/25/23 7:00am)
Man, siblings don’t murder each other like they used to anymore. Fratricide and sororicide used to be so commonplace. You’re a younger brother but want the throne? You know what you have to do. Mehmed III of the Ottoman Empire killed his 19 brothers. NINETEEN, and you can’t get rid of one sister. Listen, I know things didn’t end up too well in Hamlet, but I doubt your sister has a whiny son who sees ghosts, so you’ll probably be fine. I also know parental affection isn’t the throne of Denmark, but some may argue it’s even more important. Eliminate the competition and your parents will have to make you the favorite. Lastly, if you get caught and try to blame me, remember I have an excellent lawyer and will never feel the cold air of a jail cell. Hope this helps!
(04/19/23 5:00am)
Well, lucky for you, human emotion is like putty — easily shaped by the hands of life. And if you’re like me — someone majoring in psychology, so I can manipulate others easier — you know exactly how to do this. The most simple thing to do is “Pavlov’s Dog” him. Find something he really likes. Men are easy, and you’ve probably heard him talk about himself in great lengths multiple times before without asking you a single question, so you totally know what gets him going. Pick something small, cheap and available — candy, a toy or something like that, and when you see him, give it to him. Sooner or later, he’ll equate that feeling of happiness from getting the item to being happy seeing you. After a while, he’ll start to get excited anytime you see him, and everyone knows excitement is the first step to romantic attraction. He’ll learn to love you when you start dating, but getting your foot in the door with psychological manipulation is the important step. Hope this helps!