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(03/16/05 6:00am)
You're probably coming to one of two conclusions: one, Peter N.
Long has turned into a portly African-American. Or two, he's
allowing anybody to occupy this space for a 1.75 of Jack and some
incriminating photos. Rest assured, neither is the case. Pete's off
tending to some family business. In the meantime, he asked me to
write something in his stead.
(05/05/04 6:00am)
The year is 2054. A gray, balding, elderly gentleman is touring
the Madison campus with his 13-year-old grandson...
(05/05/04 6:00am)
(04/30/04 6:00am)
Throughout the 2003-'04 National Hockey League season, rumors of
a possible lockout have loomed over the league, both on and off the
ice. As of today, the owners, represented by NHL Commissioner Gary
Bettman and the NHL Player's Association, led by union chief Bob
Goodenow, are meeting in Toronto to negotiate terms. The two sides
have until Sept. 15, the official end of their current collective
bargaining agreement, to resolve their differences.
(04/29/04 6:00am)
I am quite disappointed in Wisconsin Badger sports.
(04/28/04 6:00am)
The philosopher George Santayana once wrote, \Those who cannot
remember the past are condemned to repeat it.""
(04/22/04 6:00am)
Take a look at the list of recreational activities that our
university sponsors on campus, and you'll notice some glaring
omissions. Flag football? Check. Basketball? Check. Bowling? Check.
Billiards? Check. Beer Pong?
(04/15/04 6:00am)
Like many of you, I am searching for a job after graduation come
May. I fear that if I don't find one soon, I might have to resort
to my former life of working the streets for hours on end. Of
course I mean delivering the mail as a U.S. Postal worker (my
summer 2003 job). What'd you think I meant? Oh, sweet Jeebus, you
sick S.O.B.!
(04/08/04 6:00am)
This was the first time I've ever requested a response to a
column. And man, did you guys ever respond. There were so many
responses to the question that I hired Arthur Anderson to tally the
results. Although 651,978 responses seems a little far-fetched, I
trust their practices and am confident that the numbers are
correct. And let me also say that diversity is NOT dead, because
the answers were extremely varied in choice and reasoning.
(04/01/04 6:00am)
Due to multiple people telling me that they are still crafting
their arguments for which is the best sports video game ever, I am
extending the debate until next week. Submissions are still
encouraged.
(03/25/04 6:00am)
I hate writer's block. It is a true constipation of the mind,
especially when your sole job is to excrete whatever is there. On a
particular spring afternoon (yesterday to be exact), I was trying
to figure out how to B.S. my way through 600 words. This couldn't
be that hard. After all, I have a B.A. in B.S., commonly referred
to as political science. March Madness columns are clich??d, and
the other professional sports weren't all that appealing to write
something interesting on.
(03/24/04 6:00am)
Every week, the headlines of sports pages across the country are
littered with stories of collegiate abuses of power, privilege and
people. Accounts of bribes, thefts and rapes have soiled the
reputations of many universities. In response, certain universities
have clarified and strengthened their student-athlete discipline
policies, including the University of Wisconsin-Madison. Simply
put, the university's policy automatically suspends any player
charged with a local, state or federal crime until further
notice.
(03/11/04 6:00am)
Last Sunday, the most meaningful meaningless match occurred down
in Florida. A game so shallow in importance yet so self-important
that fans paid up to $500 (that's 100 double Jack and Cokes at the
Plaza on a Thursday night) just to see two bitter enemies, for all
intents and purposes, take batting practice and stretch on the same
field. To the untrained eye, this was just an overhyped exhibition
game between the Boston Red Sox and the New York Yankees. But to
the learned, this was a chance for the fans themselves to train
their minds, bodies and souls alongside their teams. For each fan
needs a little spring training in order to cheer for their team in
their own way.
(02/24/04 6:00am)
What is it going to take, fans?
(02/19/04 6:00am)
We are all Yankees. It's 3 a.m. on a Sunday morning. I'm on my
couch, happily ingesting a Jin's chicken sandwich and watching
\Rounders"" for the 47th time. And for the 47th time in a row, I am
bewildered by the so-called Russian accent that John Malkovich's
Teddy KGB is spewing. ""I spash zeee pote venevah zee fack I
pleeeeze""? What the hell is he saying?
(02/12/04 6:00am)
Who has the best hands in Madison? If you're thinking Lee Evans,
you're wrong. Devin Harris? Not a chance. No, they belong to Don
the Barber.
(02/05/04 6:00am)
As we were lazily searching the Internet for clips from the
Super Boob, eh, I mean Bowl, Josh, Arvind and I stumbled across
ESPN's list of every sports franchise from best to worst. As Josh
began furiously ranting about how the Packers were a better
franchise than the Dallas Mavericks, it dawned on me. Who would
care about this moronic list? In fact, who the hell cares about any
list compiled by ESPN? So here's my list of why lists by ESPN or
anyone else for that matter, are outdated and unnecessary (and yes,
I understand the irony of writing a top 10 list against top 10
lists).
(01/29/04 6:00am)
Japan. This glorious island nation has brought us the way of the
Samurai, the art of origami and Master Splinter, who raised four
radioactive mutant turtles and trained them to be fierce ninjas ...
and radical at the same time. And now they bring us the greatest
contribution to television since scrambled porn.
(01/22/04 6:00am)
JAKE DELHOMME! TOM BRADY! SUPER BOWL XXXVIII?!
(01/16/04 6:00am)
The most glaring stat from Wisconsin's loss to Auburn in
Nashville, Tenn., on New Year's Eve was not the amount of sacks and
pressures given up by the lax offensive line. It wasn't the amount
of yards the Tigers gained on the ground over the just-as-porous
Badgers' D-line. In fact, the most glaring stat had no factor
whatsoever in the game itself. It read this way: