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(05/05/03 6:00am)
\Inconsistency has always been one of my strong points,"" I told
my girlfriend as I skillfully separated the three hooks from
whatever it is you call what they hook onto. You'd think that every
guy would learn that trick as fast as possible. It's probably the
number two most self-satisfying thing that I can do with my right
hand. Still, I can only do the trick about a third of the time. I
like to keep the people guessing. It's exciting and they expect
less.
(04/28/03 6:00am)
Here's a little play that I adapted from \The Fall of
Man.""
(04/21/03 6:00am)
Graduating seniors are plotting and scheming right now.
Questions need to be answered. Where are they going to live? Who
are they going to live with? What will a post-graduate apartment
look like? Will they be able to take care of plants? How will they
assert their post-graduate status? Will it be a job, a live-in
girlfriend, the great American novel or a dog? A distraction is
needed. Luckily, a great thing is about to happen. Amid the
whirlwind of possibilities flitting before seniors arises a nice
piece of solid ground to stand on: the party season.
(04/12/03 6:00am)
There was a time when I was a genius. I could learn anything
perfectly. My memory was impeccable. I learned things so well that
the body of random knowledge I obtained before puberty is still in
my most accessible frontal lobe area. Apparently, before all of the
hormones and the stinking, there was a time when I could learn huge
lists of minutia. That is why school blew its proverbial load in
third grade. By third grade I knew all the dinosaurs most books
listed. Everything since then has been like a drunk guy trying to
get off for a second time, trying to get back to where he just was,
but unable to. The world just keeps grinding away.
(04/07/03 6:00am)
Why do you keep dancing? This is a party, you're supposed to
stand there and drink. Do you seriously feel justified? It makes
you feel good to be the center of attention? Oh... I see, you
seriously feel Justified, as in the album.
(03/31/03 6:00am)
As usual, I was having trouble producing a topic for my column.
My roommate scornfully questioned, \Why are you ignoring the
obvious?""
(03/23/03 6:00am)
We have here in Madison extensive neighborhoods of student
houses. Not housing, but houses. With a house, as with an
apartment, comes the issue of how clean the public areas are going
to be. The house could be a pit filled with crap or an Arcadian
expanse of foot-placing area, a grime mine or a hospital, a
flop-house or a monastery. Roommates don't always agree on the
issue and tension ensues.
(03/10/03 6:00am)
It's time to push the issue. I'm banging my head of increasingly
girly hair along to \Master of Puppets"" in order to properly vent
the irritation that paces around inside me like a caged polar bear.
Or should I say, I'm listening to ""Master of Mullets,"" because
everyone in the band (except for Kirk Hammet's borderline
perm-mutation) sure had a hell of a nice one?
(03/03/03 6:00am)
I know that this was already covered in Friday's edition, but if
you haven't heard, Mister Rogers has passed away. Like so many
others in this nation of general health he succumbed to cancer,
that most insidious of diseases. It's a reminder that cancer can
happen to anyone.
(02/24/03 6:00am)
When I was small I decided that I liked Dijon mustard but not
yellow. I decided that I liked the kind of peanut butter that had
to be stirred and kept in the refrigerator. I ate muesli whenever
possible. In short, I became a food snob at an early age and
actually had to rediscover the crappy food items like American
cheese or Totinos pizza rolls at a less haughty and more accepting
age.
(02/21/03 6:00am)
When I was small I decided that I liked Dijon mustard but not
yellow. I decided that I liked the kind of peanut butter that had
to be stirred and kept in the refrigerator. I ate muesli whenever
possible. In short, I became a food snob at an early age and
actually had to rediscover the crappy food items like American
cheese or Totinos pizza rolls at a less haughty and more accepting
age.
(02/17/03 6:00am)
I don't make many mixed tapes. I demand too much from myself in
the areas of thematic and emotional cohesion. Today I have made an
exception because it's Valentine's Day and I really have nothing
else to do. Also, I heard that a mixed tape of songs made without
any thought beyond determining a few songs that the listener might
like makes a fine gift. If you can do it within one hour, I'll give
you five.
(02/03/03 6:00am)
Dude, your sister's hot. That's not cool. Gimme 50 hamburgers.
Puff. Yes, these are the sounds of the new TV campaign against the
gentle herb. They are, in a word, superextrastoopidfunny. You know
what else is funny? They chose a TV campaign because they knew all
the lazy dirtbag stoners would be watching it anyway. Ha.
(01/27/03 6:00am)
There's been a new addition to my wallet. In the space where
most people keep pictures of their girlfriend or their dog or some
other adorable being that is worthy of showing off, I have been
keeping a drawing of a Danzig skull that has pleasingly bled onto
the plastic film and developed a ghost image, and a fortune cookie
message book-ended by smiley faces that informs the reader, \You
have at your command the wisdom of the ages."" It takes a special
item to fit into the gothic sort of theme I developed in that
space, and I found the perfect one. Prepare for your mind to be
blown.
(01/22/03 6:00am)
Back to school huzzah huzzah and all that jazz and I'm pretty
happy to be back doing something beyond making and spending money.
Much of my discussions over my school hiatus hinged on the
procurement of money, something which tends to make me profoundly
unhappy relative to the joy I find while spending it.
(12/09/02 6:00am)
The track coach always said to run through the tape, which was
fine for track because you knew where you were going on the track
and what the race was for. When you're trying to drag yourself
through the end of a semester there's considerably more malaise
about the whole process and rumination over where exactly all that
work (or lack thereof) has gotten you.
(12/02/02 6:00am)
There are more than 500 bars in Kenosha, Wis., and I'm trying to
figure out how about 125 people from my graduating class decided to
be at two of them last Wednesday night, and why I feel weird about
it in the first place.
(11/25/02 6:00am)
Thanksgiving is this week, and I look forward to a whole lot of
turkey and a good amount of gravy. Other than making arrangements
for my trip home, I haven't really thought about the holiday much
this year. The holidays happen every year.
(11/18/02 6:00am)
Don't try to tell me \Don't Fear the Reaper"" isn't about
vampires, because it totally is.
(11/11/02 6:00am)
I have had the pleasure of receiving some feedback from readers
this year, both positive and negative. I appreciate it all, and
thank you very much for reading. However, I would like to respond
to some of the criticism. All of it has focused on at least one of
two issues: My columns lack strong arguments and/or are
unnecessarily vulgar.