Skip to Content, Navigation, or Footer.
The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Friday, February 26, 2021

Mike Pence admits to being within 5 mile radius of unmarried woman

All articles featured in Almanac are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

Speaking at the White House gardens with a tender heart and troubled face, Vice President Mike Pence took full responsibility and admitted to being in the same building as an unmarried woman. For someone who refuses to eat alone with this demographic, this is a shockingly reckless act from a so-called Evangelical Christian who claims to be a man of God.

It all started when Pence, coming fresh out of a meeting on foreign policy, walked into an office building and realized that the secretary in the office looked young. As his heart raced, he asked the woman if she was married, leading him to a shocking answer: no. As he learned the troubling truth, Pence broke down on his knees and begged God for forgiveness, speaking in an ancient Latin tongue. 

Pence immediately returned to the White House and spoke on a live broadcast to confess his miscalculation. 

“It pains me to admit to God and my fellow Americans that recently, I lost track of my surroundings and ended up inside a building that contained an unmarried woman. I actively make sure I never come in contact with women who have yet to bind within the sanctity of marriage, and I feel it is my moral obligation both as a Christian and as an American to confess my sin,” the Vice President and former Indiana governor said, visibly holding back tears. 

Vice President Pence showed how truly sorry he was by standing outside the White House for the rest of the day shirtless with the word “sinner” written in black. In a time where men too frequently try to cover up their sexual misconduct, it’s refreshing to see a man admit to his wrongdoings and pay the price himself. 

Support your local paper
Donate Today
The Daily Cardinal has been covering the University and Madison community since 1892. Please consider giving today.

Powered by SNworks Solutions by The State News
All Content © 2021 The Daily Cardinal