Speaking from the Pentagon Friday morning, Acting Secretary of Defense Patrick M. Shanahan released a shocking report conducted by the Pentagon that revealed that the South Pacific island of Vanuatu was responsible for hacking in the 2016 United States Presidential election, not Russia.
“After a long and careful investigation, we’ve concluded that Vladimir Putin, while most likely bearing malicious intentions towards the United States, was in fact not responsible for breaking into our election cycle and dismantling our democracy. With great surprise, the island nation of Vanuatu, known for its tropical beaches and susceptibility to rising sea levels, is to blame for attacking our very basic form of democracy.”
The audience members were stunned when they heard such claims, Donald Trump tweeting that he was right all along and that Russia is innocent.
“I knew it was Vabtuna,” he typed. “They’re a very serious threat. Believe me.” When realizing that Vanuatu did, in fact, help Trump win the election, he then tweeted, “Vabtutu is a lovely country with great people. Very beautiful country. Love it there.”
Vanuatu’s President Tallis Obed Moses refused to speak on these accusations and is expected to face serious criminal charges as the investigation continues.
Being a humble island nation, Vanuatu’s role in shaping American democracy comes as a huge shock. Few would suspect an impoverished, low-populated tropical paradise of wanting to dismantle American democracy and help elect a madman for president.
A recent report from Fox News found that Hillary Clinton is secretly planning on attacking Vanuatu, she and Bill Clinton gathering their secret army of ANTIFA soldiers to bomb the nation into dust in retaliation.
“There’s nothing she won’t do. She truly has no shame,” Tucker Carlson said on his evening talk show. “It goes without saying that this corrupt, evil woman is willing to turn violent on those who stole the election from her. Absolutely shameful.”