Almanac

Astronomers use the moon cycle to explain Trump’s atrocious behavior

As the U.S. government shutdown extends, and President Donald Trump’s behavior becomes more and more erratic, anyone who isn’t blindly putting their trust into the shady man desperately looks for some sort of hope for the future. Inspired by werewolf mythology, a coalition of astronomers threw all of their knowledge on how the universe works aside, much like U.S. citizens did when thrown into the bizarre climate brought on by Donald Trump’s inauguration, to attempt to explain the recent political phenomena. 

The government shutdown, which began on December 22, 2018, has become the longest in U.S. history. Coincidentally, the length of the government shutdown has exceeded one moon cycle, which takes about 29.5 days. Knowing this, the astronomers couldn’t ignore the fact that Trump has experienced at least one full moon sometime during the shutdown. Like any good astronomer would know, the moon has a great gravitational effect on water. And since the human brain contains a high percentage of water, it could very likely be influenced by the moon, especially a full one. Perhaps, they think, this is why Trump has been acting so idiotically. 

The idea of a full moon’s effect on the brain inspired the astronomers to reference certain passages from Stephenie Meyer’s Twilight series. The astronomers, who unanimously identify with “Team Edward,” found some uncanny similarities between the president and the “Children of the Moon” that Meyer describes in her books: like the werewolves in Twilight, Trump seems to have lost human consciousness as he insists on spending billions of dollars on a wall that will stop illegal immigrants from crossing the border. Further, like typical werewolf behavior, they couldn’t help but notice that Trump has been acting feral, rather than rational, while he continues to conceal the details of his meeting with the Russian president, Vladimir Putin. 

In order to better understand Trump’s unpredictable behavior, one of the more inspired astronomers explain that their “research lab is always stocked with massive amounts of fast food (I paid), including impressive stacks of Filet-O-Fish and McChicken.” Another astronomer exclaimed that, “the smell of the aging food actually symbolizes the souring of the United States government!”

Though the astronomers continue to find surprising evidence, the growing stench of rotten fast food has slowed productivity. It was last reported that their research has led to a ninety-nine percent chance that Trump’s behavior is actually just due to his lack of empathy and colossal sense of entitlement. 

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