Jared Holloway

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Amazon algorithm to begin making purchases for you

Amazon has decided to step up their game in predicting the interests of their customers. Already known for using past searches and accessing its customers’ internet history to target ads, Amazon now believes that, with their newest algorithm, they can predict people’s tastes enough to actually begin purchasing items for them.  “It’s a major leap forward in enhancing the customer experience.” said Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos.

Real crabs do not sing, “Under The Sea”

As Disney comes under criticism for the messages it creates in its older films, such as patriarchal gender roles and racist undertones, yet another fallacy has been uncovered.

DJ Khaled concert awesome: this article sponsored by Mentos Gum™

Madison students flocked to the Kohl Center Monday night where almost 40 of them were legitimately excited to see DJ Khaled perform thanks to Mentos Gum™. As a result of the confusing but probably wildly successful campaign with Madison student Sam, enough Mentos Gum™ was distributed for free around campus for Mentos™ to sponsor a free DJ Khaled concert.  Thanks to Mentos Gum™, students were able to stand in a dark crowded room and watch DJ Khaled play his Spotify on shuffle and ask the audience for applause.

DJ Khaled concert awesome: this article sponsored by Mentos Gum™

Madison students flocked to the Kohl Center Monday night where almost 40 of them were legitimately excited to see DJ Khaled perform thanks to Mentos Gum™. As a result of the confusing but probably wildly successful campaign with Madison student Sam, enough Mentos Gum™ was distributed for free around campus for Mentos™ to sponsor a free DJ Khaled concert.  Thanks to Mentos Gum™, students were able to stand in a dark crowded room and watch DJ Khaled play his Spotify on shuffle and ask the audience for applause.

Steve Jobs Envisioned Free Internet Porn, Advocated Porn Accessibility

Steve Jobs, the co-founder of Apple and legendary tech visionary, is now believed to have influenced yet another essential facet of modern life.

FDA and drug lords issue a massive heroin recall

In light of a recent bad crop that went to market, the FDA and major drug cartels are recalling all heroin sold in the US within the past two weeks to ensure the continuing safety of consumers.

Study: Majority of college graduates either unemployed, underemployed, or are engaged in piracy on the high seas

Following the release of a new study conducted by the Census Bureau, leaders in the field of education have concluded that roughly thirty to forty percent of recent college graduates have failed to find employment in their field.

A Tamagotchi formerly in the possession of sophomore Abe Andon has issued a statement saying it has become self-aware and sworn a personal vendetta on its master. The drama began nearly ten years ago when Andon was in fourth grade.

Electrical engineering major shoves banana in VCR... again.

Tensions have risen in recent days at the Gamma Delta Beta sorority house due to a malfunctioning VCR, and all sources point towards electrical engineering major Tom Bakerstaff as the culprit.

Students unsure how to react to statue of Saddam Hussein erected outside Gordon

Late last night,somewhere between 2:00 and 5:00 a.m., an interesting monument was discovered outside Gordon Dining Hall: a statue of former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein.