In commendable and exciting fashion, Wisconsinite Ryan Burrows, 24, took the life of a wild deer using a high-powered rifle Tuesday.Burrows’ masculinity was on full display as he managed to discharge a 30-caliber round into the chest of the deer from about 40 feet away, knocking the animal over prior to its death seconds after.“Look at this big boy,” Burrows said, describing his victim triumphantly to Cardinal reporters.
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American golf enthusiasts rejoiced Friday after Donald Trump’s transition team announced an agenda to rebuild the state of Florida.
FIRE ANT AT A GLANCE:PHYSICAL TRAITS: Super horny, very small (like really really small), has two seemingly pointless limbs on its face.CAREER GOALS: Eventually bang the queen, in the future bump uglies with the queen, reproduce with the queen, spread his genes through the queen.PRIMARY FLAWS: Only cares about work and hooking up wth the queen, can potentially be squashed by almost any human being.SPECIAL ABILITIES: Super romantic, able to lift something 20 times his body weight, has two limbs on his head which are seemingly useless but are actually very important.PLACE OF RESIDENCE: Almost everywhere, in a mound of dirt, wherever he is able to reproduce.FULL REVIEW: Back in my clubbing days I used to be a wingman for this incredible insect called a fire ant.
1. The Eggs 2.
Franklin, Wis -- Attendees of the Weber family Thanksgiving expressed general confusion with regards to what Uncle Russ was doing in the other room with the turkey leftovers after dinner. Between the conclusion of the main course and the desert period of the evening program, Russell, 47, took the remains of the five pound turkey into the room adjacent to the dining area and has not emerged since, according to sources.
1. Mark yourself as ‘Interested’ in local protestsDon’t feel obligated to actually show up to the rallies.
1. “Why so Syrian?” -Trump advisor2.
In the wake of a presidential election that has sharply divided the country, many exhausted Democrats have been left to wonder if the GOP could ever again produce an opponent as horrifying as Mitt Romney. “It’s been a really tough first election,” said UW-Madison student and self-identified Democrat Greg Everett.
WASHINGTON STATE—Despite the widespread celebration of President Barack Obama’s re-election last night, one notable cabinet member, Hillary Diane Meriwether Jehoshaphat Rodham Clinton, was far too busy to spend the evening clinking drinks. After decades of moving, grooving, schmoozing, bruising and bamboozling her way up the political ladder, America’s slightly beloved Secretary of State is finally poised to make her move. “This is it.
WASHINGTON—Election officials are calling this year’s election a “heart-stopper” after Mitt Romney’s GOP team clinched a regulation victory over Barack Obama and the Democratic Party.The victory came swiftly on the coattails of Romney’s pick-and-roll drive to Florida and Obama’s defensive maneuver north to New Hampshire.
First, try to scrub your skin of the darkness, the tar, that seems to have soaked itself into your pores.
Two boys called upon to serve their land,Both believed to have God’s graceful hand.With causes both just in their own minds,Who will be blamed in history’s time?Two boys called upon to ’fend the lineWith different banners, proud to shine.They call upon the other’s demiseBut who will be right when the fervor dies?Two boys called upon to bid family farewellAnd to uphold honor; do your duty they tell.But with destruction wrought on both sides,Mothers’ tears soon fall by hollow shrines.And when we ask who was without flaws,Who truly had the rightful cause?The boy on my side, without hesitation we say,Because he fought for me, I mean no dismay.
The stars make me sad, you seeEvery little pinprick, every speck of lightIs somewhere I will never beI yearn to travel and exploreGo past anyone beforeSearch the emptiness, and find new truthAnd make it mine, forever to adoreAnd be my thing insignificantI will never mindBecause from it, I become significantBut so does the sky taunt meLost knowledge, I will never reachThere is so much I will never see
UW-Madison administration rides out apocalyptic Halloween weekend in fortified Mosse Humanities Building
UW-Madison staff and authorities took shelter in the Mosse Humanities Building over Halloween weekend as hordes of drunken students swarmed the capitol, an official UW-Madison press release stated.After the federal government declined the university’s request for National Guard assistance, UW-Madison administration fled Bascom Hall for safety within the thick concrete walls of the Humanities Building. “They were stacking sandbags near the doors,” said UW-Madison student Rickey Hobbs.
Walker plans to amp up racism, sexism to fill hole left by Trump in preparation for presidential run in 2020
Sources within Gov. Scott Walker’s campaign have confirmed early reports that Walker’s campaign strategy will undergo a major theme overhaul in anticipation of another presidential campaign in 2020. Though the election is quite a ways away, Walker and his team are already rebranding his image to more closely appeal to the base of out-of-touch, chauvinist and uneducated Americans he desperately needs to win the Republican primary. Specific details from Walker’s camp include reports that he has already settled on a new campaign slogan of “Make America Great Again, More.” The assumption here, one source said, is that the same Americans who supported Republican nominee Donald Trump will be even more supportive of Walker, because Walker wants to make America “even more better-er than Trump does.” Other themes Walker plans on emphasizing are his new-and-improved racism, which will include repeating false and misleading statistics on crime committed by illegal immigrants and generalizing entire religions as terrorists. Walker will also heavily focus on his new initiative of building a massive border wall that is similar, but not quite the same, as Trump’s.
This week I’m giving due credit to the unsung hero of sex--lube! The concept of lube is pretty simple—put it on something you want to slide in and out of something else, and have at it. But, there are a few caveats that are helpful to know before diving into the wonderful world of lube. This slippery stuff has oodles of benefits that can make sex safer, easier and hella pleasurable. Unfortunately, many people believe lube is only for old ladies or people who aren’t “wet enough” on their own.
Rapper Dwayne Michael Carter, Jr., best known for his stage name “Lil Wayne,” went through a miraculous transformation into a perfectly normal and healthy sized teen Monday night. “Medium Wayne is really just the new me now” said Carter to a sea of reporters.
While the economy continues to recover from the Great Recession of 2008, there is one group of institutions that is having a harder time recovering than others: churches.
Freshman student Jake Varpa does not, in fact, remember the Alamo. The story surfaced in Varpa’s American history class last week, as the professor dramatically entered the classroom in full frontier garb, wielding a musket and shouting “Remember the Alamo!” The tragedy of the massacre is still fresh in the hearts and minds of all good Americans, so it was not surprising when the class became incensed, adding to his chant and even breaking out a Texan flag.
I was at the Ohio State football game last week and this asshole of an animal, the Gerenuk, was just blatantly blocking my view.