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Following the Badgers’ sweeping victory last Saturday, most of the student population could most likely be found in celebration, including junior Econ major and aspiring hipster Hugh Jass.
In breaking news, UW-Madison freshman, Faye Lure has dropped out of classes for the semester, citing the outage of the university’s campus-wide wifi as the cause of her decision.
Tensions have risen in recent days at the Gamma Delta Beta sorority house due to a malfunctioning VCR, and all sources point towards electrical engineering major Tom Bakerstaff as the culprit.
Ancient Greek Mythology states that on the Ides of September, when Hades throws a raging house party in his deathly domain, the kegs of ambrosia would be tapped, the bouncer would charge one gold piece per cup, and the heat would rise as the floor of molten magma filled the chamber with acrid fumes.
Late Tuesday night every student enrolled in Mechanical Engineering 201: Introduction to Mechanical Engineering received an email from their professor with the class syllabus attached.
Early Wednesday morning, Madison resident Holden W. Magroin was released from Dane County Sheriff’s Department after being arrested on Regent Street the previous night and charged with public intoxication as well as public urination.
Monster Energy has found itself under public scrutiny in recent days after a University of Wisconsin study released Friday established a correlation between excessive consumption of the energy drink and immature, verbally belligerent behavior.“Based on the parameters we have noticed,” a leading researcher at the University of Wisconsin said, “it is evident that mere exposure to the Monster Energy brand elicits an adverse reaction in some of the consumers, namely those who expose themselves to the accelerant and then engage in highly stimulating activities, such as video games.”The global sports drink brand, highly recognizable for its role in promoting action sports events like motocross, snowboarding and monster truck derbies, has come under global scrutiny in recent weeks for its links to adverse behavior among several professional video game athletes.
The Dane County Sheriff’s Department has declared a regional state of emergency for the neighborhood surrounding a Coca-Cola plant in Middleton after 48 cases of Mentos were found hidden within the manufacturing pipeline.
The number of students choosing the pre-med track has skyrocketed this September thanks to ball-busting pressure from parents and the false, fantasized day in a doctor’s life portrayed by Grey’s Anatomy (which was originally an anatomical textbook). However, this influx is misleading; the number of doctors who attended UW-Madison for their undergraduate education has little to no correlation to the number of students who are currently claiming they will be doctors.
A buffer before you have to deal with “the real world” Three jobs and a full class load Vitally important to your future Somehow still a privilege not a right Easier than it used to be, so stop complaining Constructed by people who used to “have it hard” Too P.C. Not the place to talk about race, sex, or culture Pointless if you’re an English major Failing to teach people to write Pointless if you’re an arts major Failing to teach people to creatively solve problems Pointless if you’re a philosophy major Failing to teach students to think of the big picture A place to take risks, don’t be afraid of mistakes Hugely important, so don’t screw it up An opportunity to network for your career An opportunity for employers to get unpaid interns A good time to travel An unpaid internship and tuition of at least $10,488 a year A good time to start saving money An unpaid internship and tuition of at least $10,488 a year A good time to follow your passions An unpaid internship and tuition of at least $10,488 a year A place to make new interesting friends But don’t fall in with the wrong crowd A good time to figure what you want to do with your life Only supposed to last four years so hurry up and decide A good time to listen A good time to learn who, exactly, is worth listening to.
i want to hollow out the broken shards ofmyself that lurk behind my skin you scraped the insides of me with your dirty fingernails and then blamed me for bleeding.
i like the ocean because of its rhythms there’s something about the tide that is comforting.
My Cleopatra girl,who dies and dies again,with flesh as white as pearls,who under death will always strain.And who am I, your love,clown as fool as the rest,a raven to a dove,who yet is asp upon your breast
the ethereal sounds againas i am crosslegged on the top bunkback leaned against the concrete wallpainted white in the fifties,now an ivory cream.there is a bourdon in the backsolid, firm, like the cheap mattresson which i am perched, freshman.and above it undulatesa great many unplaceable sounds:a woman’s voice (not yours,though faint and tremblinglike when you first sang for me)not the wind but an echo of the windand the sound i imagine stars make;and in the room, the sound of lake ice and fever.trying to meditate but really half-asleepnever one for it before, but youbrought a reality i couldn’t processin my endless processing,the spiraling that leads me wash my handsthat leads me count the breathscount the lights in the roomswhere i sit and scribble an A testbut think only of what it is you’re feelingfor him, in love with you and you with meand me with him and you with himand you with death and me withall of it.
The exasperation was palpable across fired FBI director James Comey’s face on Thursday morning as he traipsed through the ordeal of sitting in a government building for reasons other than obtaining a boating license.“To be honest, I’d rather eat radioactive waste by myself than dine with President Trump,” Comey said, clearing his throat into the microphone.
Early Thursday morning a UW-Police officer discovered a SOAR student wandering the halls of the labyrinthine Humanities Building.
Prospective business major Nick Rinaldi arrived at freshmen orientation sporting a two-piece suit, enabling him to meet roughly half of the Wisconsin School of Business’ graduation requirements.In accordance with School of Business bylaws, Rinaldi was immediately sent to meet with Dean François Ortalo-Magné by his SOAR advisor upon checking in.“When I received word about [Rinaldi’s] appearance, I knew I had to have him come to my office right away,” Ortalo-Magné said.While the majority of SOAR attendees donned shorts and other typical summer garb, Rinaldi stood out in his outfit which featured black Cole Haan dress shoes and a shiny blue tie.
Incoming junior Nick Rinaldi contemptuously looks over his underdressed classmates, many of whom sport sneakers.
Madison-based startup company Squared revealed a cutting-edge innovation Monday which promises to disrupt the automotive industry on a scale unforeseen since Henry Ford unveiled the Model T in 1908.
In a story that continues to develop amid controversy, local bar owner Ray Blando has been overheard referring to popular hip-hop tracks as “black people music.” Students on the scene report that he continued to say, “Future and Migos bring an atmosphere that, while lit, could bring a far more inclusive party environment to our establishment, and that’s something we are not yet comfortable with.”These reports have contributed to significant backlash from students and Madison residents alike.