In breaking news from Hollywood, all of their male movie stars have recently been arrested and sent to jail as a result of a plethora of crimes being committed en masse.
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1. Get in the Christmas spirit by listening to same 18 songs every store will be playing for the next month.2.
As air travel ramps up during the final months of 2017, the Transportation Security Administration are instituting a new policy requiring pregnant mothers to remove their fetuses and place them in separate bins at the security checkpoint.Mothers more than three months into term must take their developing children from their uterus and place them into a bin to be sent through the screening conveyor belt.
daily cardinal Tinder, a dating application where users can swipe right or left depending on their preferences in partners, is a wholesome and magical way for young adults looking for love to find their soulmate.
Since spending the holiday of togetherness by driving for hours to be in a food coma the entire weekend with your uncle yelling obscenities over a football game is the best way, Thanksgiving is always a blowout. However, this year, the weekend festivities were filled with surprises. Not only did TIME Magazine offer the President the Person of the Year Award for the second year in a row, but the humble leader declined the offer in hopes that someone less fortunate could get it. “I see myself as a humanitarian.
Chancellor and technological masochist Becky Blank announced that UW-Madison’s Student Center will not be getting the back button that’s so highly sought after by the student body.The announcement occurred following this year’s class registration, a gruelingly long process made radically worse by the website’s complete lack of features or any semblance of sense.“I tried to add Econ 101 to my schedule for next semester but accidently hit Ecology 101.
The Dreyfuss family’s Thanksgiving dinner was ruined after grandchildren noticed a sizable amount of mold in the pumpkin pie.
With a twinge of longing in his eyes, local grandfather Ernie Komiskey stared at the roast turkey in the center of the Thanksgiving spread, wishing he could join it in death.
Thanksgiving is a welcomed holiday for people all around the United States. It’s a time to reflect on the important things in life: The people who we care deeply about, the privileges and good fortunes that we take for granted, while ignoring the fact that we’re currently living on stolen land.
Maintaining that he had absolutely no intention of disrupting discourse, junior Nicholas Mullen found himself reprimanded by the University of Wisconsin-Madison due to an allegedly voluntary sneeze that he had during the lecture of Dr. Gordon Biederman. Biederman, a professor at the University of Alberta, was invited to give a talk on “owning liberals” by campus conservative group Young Americans for Prosperity (YAP). Originally specializing in cartography, Biederman has found recent acclaim in conservative circles for his outspoken views on the silencing of free speech on campus by those unfriendly to conservative views. Mullen describes himself as a liberal, but says he went to Biederman’s talk to hear views from a different side of the spectrum other than his own.
Three UCLA basketball players were arrested in Huangzhou province on suspicion of shoplifting this weekend at a Louis Vuitton store.
Attorney General Jeff Sessions was admitted into intensive aquarium care at the Baltimore Aquarium late yesterday after congressional interrogations caused a severe nervous reaction.
According to Sewell Social Sciences men’s room sources, the university-supplied toilet paper used to wipe the bum of senior Peter Olson is so fragile, it rivaled his masculinity complex in terms of frailty.The economics major, who refers to his friendships with men as bromances, accidentally pierced the bath tissue with two of his fingers post-shit during one of many passages necessitated by the inadequate paper.“That’s the closest anything has ever come to going up my ass,” Olson said.
Local Culver’s loyalist Bobby McButtery was caught completely off-guard when his heart violently attacked him Monday evening.“I was just sitting down to my dinner of a Bacon Butterburger and deep-fried cheese curds when I noticed my arm started to hurt, and I suddenly had a general feeling of impending doom,” McButtery said from his hospital bed on Tuesday morning.
The White House chef fried Sessions for Robert Mueller’s dinner.
Mindy Perot has been charged with leading the evacuation of a doomed Mars colony in the aftermath of a devastating volcanic eruption.
Due to a past of neglecting every “Jane” that was supposed to be a “John” and allegations of Fido being the main course for lunch every Thursday, China has transitioned to being a country based solely off love, acceptance, and forgiveness. The country’s new policy was enacted recently when the President of the United States, Donald Trump, left for his visit to this Asian country.
“It’s that time of year again, and I can’t stand it,” stated freshman Max Dudley.
“After three years of diligent commenting on the Facebook, my efforts have finally produced the results I’ve been expecting,” stated Madison resident and stay-at-home mom, Barb Suzanna.
In a move that continues this week’s trend of surprising decisions from President Trump’s executive branch, the head of the Environmental Protection Agency, Scott Pruitt, announced that he would demand a large-scale investigation into the role that off-shore wind turbines played in the series of devastating hurricanes that hit Florida and Texas this summer. At a press conference on Tuesday, Pruitt made the announcement directly after a 15-minute speech about the benefits of coal.