As usual, all you sad sacks out there seem to be having trouble with your Valentine’s Day plans, so I’ve devoted an entire column to addressing all your romance needs for the upcoming holiday.
Deer Cardinal,
It’s almost Valentine’s Day, and my girlfriend says she doesn’t want anything special for the big day. Using what little intuition I have, though, I assume she’s lying. What kind of gift can I get her that shows her I care, but didn’t overexert myself after she said it wasn’t a big deal?
—Dave F.
Tidal Wave Dave—
You’re pretty intuitive for a guy with a nickname as stupid as “Tidal Wave.” The first rule of relationships is to absolutely never trust what your significant other says, so your assumption that her “no gifts” policy didn’t actually mean “no gifts” is a good one.
Now, you need to make a relatively simple gift that’s sweet and effective. You can’t be too cheap though—no girl actually wants a mixtape entitled “slow jamz ’08.” Instead, try something like a home-cooked dinner with a nice ambiance (candles, soft jazz, no “Star Wars” place mats). Pasta is incredibly cheap and easy to make, yet somehow comes off as a totally romantic thing to make, mostly because of what’s known as the “Lady and the Tramp” effect. For a little added raunchiness, serve your girl some noodles, then tell her you brewed up a batch of your own special sauce. If she doesn’t throw you on the table and mount you right there, it’s just not meant to be.
Deer Cardinal,
My boyfriend is a total goof. He doesn’t really buy into the whole concept of Valentine’s Day (he calls it “Hallmark Day”) and usually just bags on people who get too sentimental with it. Is there anything I can get him to put a smile on his cynical face, or am I destined to sit in the food court and laugh at lovey-dovey couples with him?
—Patty H.
Chicken Patty—
While people-watching is always a worthwhile endeavor, I can understand your frustration with your boyfriend. He’s too clever, too snarky and too judgmental for his own good. So, your best bet is to make him laugh while still letting him know you love him. My suggestion would be to head to the nearest supermarket and get the rarest steak you can. Dice it into little pieces, and tape them to a card. At dinner, give him the little bloody blobs and write in the card “For this Valentine’s Day, I wanted to give you a piece of my heart. The hospital bill is in the mail.” A move like this should be just the right mix of funny and morbid for your man, and I’m sure he’ll enjoy the hell out of those streak tips, too.
Wish you were as cool as Deer Cardinal? Of course you do, he’s pretty much the coolest person ever. E-mail him for life lessons at deercardinal@dailycardinal.com.
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