My name is Jay Storey, and I am an overprotective older brother. For the past 19 years I’ve denied it, but with my sister’s first serious boyfriend has come the realization that my role in life is to be an asshole to every little bastard that takes a liking to her.

It’s not that I don’t trust my sister—she can more than hold her own in the world. Argue with her and you will lose. Piss her off and you’ll hear about it in the most blunt and unapologetic fashion. She’s not about to get walked on.

Really, it’s not even that I dislike this boyfriend of hers. Though male body piercings don’t tickle my fancy, he couldn’t be a nicer guy—he brought her $70 worth of roses for Valentine’s Day (which she killed by the next day).

Even better than how well he treats my sister is how well he treats me. We have an ongoing battle over his restaurant leftovers—if they’re in Jenna’s fridge, I’m going to eat them, and I don’t care whose they are. But through this friendly spat he’s even discovered the key to my heart: food. I now find food in my sister’s fridge labeled “For Jay.”

So I guess it’s time I back off and accept that my little sister is all grown up. It’s going to be hard restraining my sibling instincts, but I’ll keep my defensive judgments to myself…just as long as this free food keeps coming.