Writers aren’t sexy, but for the first time in a couple years I actually might have a Valentine’s date. Problem is, now I have to find a thoughtful gift.

Heart-shaped box of chocolates, right? Wrong. For starters, a normal rectangular box affords much more volume than the cliche heart. In any case, the romantic moment will be ruined when she realizes I’ve already eaten half the box.

The possibilities only get worse. Upon discovering an empty box the next day, I’ll likely blurt out something sexy like, “Good lord you fat-gorged pig.”

More probable is the discovery of the neglected gift weeks later. Tentative bites will have been taken from each piece, with a regurgitated mess in some slots. The problem isn’t mine this time – why does Godiva think anyone likes the fruity vomit they call ‘jellies’? WHY?

In lieu of this imminent disaster, I suggest that guys go with a more heartfelt gift: Bulk chocolates from Woodman’s, genuinely wrapped in a clear plastic bag.

As for me, my Valentine prefers salty treats. Oh what a lucky girl – she’s getting a bow-topped bag of pork rinds.