Savannah McHugh, outgoing Almanac editor, went missing last week after leaving her home for unknown reasons.
Friends and family members came up with many theories as to where Savannah could have gone, but none seemed satisfactory. From the prospect that she impulsively made an appointment at a local tattoo parlor to add to her well-established sleeve or caught wind of a Scandinavian poetry slam (do those even exist?), the reality is that she probably ran to the store to stock up on instant mashed potatoes or attempted to rescue a horde of stray cats that passed by her home.
Yet, while the motives behind her departure from the safety of her home are unknown, authorities have recently discovered her fate.
While they do not know where she was snatched from, a cult comprised of Courtney Love, Mark David Chapman and the entire Greta van Fleet fan club have confessed to kidnapping, torturing (via a 14-hour loop of Taylor Swift, Bhad Bhabie and Pitbull) and eventually exhausting the budding satirist to the point of death.
The Virginia native was an influential, elderly presence in the Cardinal’s office, and she will be dearly missed. Savannah was always down for a pint at the Union or silently judging her peers, but her “take-no-shit, do-no-harm” attitude will go down in DC history.
