almanac

​Stampede of self-driving cars wreaks havoc across the American West

The parade of demon cars rolled across the west like the Dust Bowl.

Image By: Image courtesy of creative commons

Denver, CO 2023 – Reports from across the state confirm that hundreds of autonomous vehicles are barreling across the canyons and plains of the wild, wild west, causing damage and turmoil and every juncture.

The stampede began at a driverless car lot near Fort Morgan when a young Ford Taurus was set off by a nearby shotgun blast. Employees at the lot were unable to calm the frenzy and eventually the vehicles broke through the fence and tore off into the countryside.

Cheryl Taetadgeder, co-owner and founder of Cheryl’s Wheelie Deals, first began selling self-driving cars at her lot in 2019, but has never experienced a full-blown stampede before.

“I done always thought I trained ‘em up good enough so they wouldn’t break out,” Taetadgeder said of her autonomous vehicles. “I guess I were wrong though, cause they sure did break out, an’ now they’re runnin’ a big muck all over the place.”

Self-driving cars were developed late last decade by companies like Google and Uber who saw profit opportunities in driverless vehicles. Since such vehicles took over the roadways in 2022, hundreds of deaths and dilemmas have occurred as a result of technologies gone awry.

Mena Otyabo, a lead-engineer at Google, spoke on behalf of the company, offering both apology and explanation. “Our hearts go out to the communities ravaged by these wild, untamed beasts. It was never our intent to start a technological Armageddon that pits humans against robots in a war for future of the planet.”

“Also,” Otyabo continued, “we did not foresee inter-vehicle communication leading to outbreaks of reckless group behavior. We only hoped the vehicles would successfully ferry passengers to and from pizza restaurants.”

Today’s stampede is not the only incidence of driverless cars damaging property and endangering human life. Last week reports came forth that a driverless Uber vehicle ran over a California man after he failed to pay the fare for his ride.

According to Santa Monica police, a $5,000 reward is being offered for anyone who can bring the unlawful vehicle to justice. License plate XPV-576. Wanted dead or alive.

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