almanac

Student drops out after slipping in crosswalk at University and Charter

Californian John Doe pictured as he succumbs to the treacherous Wisconsin terrain.

As Wisconsin weather slowly gets more and more ridiculous, problems typically reserved for the winter months are becoming prevalent once again for students on their daily commute. Students are being punished by Mother Nature for leaving their parkas and footwear with traction at home, and one student had enough after an unfortunate encounter with the pavement at the University and Charter intersection.

During passing time, University and Charter transforms into a mosh pit at the world’s most boring concert. Hundreds of students must tromp through the fresh layer of powdery snow. An unlucky few fell prey to the treacherous layer of crunchy ice beneath, including John Doe, a (former) sophomore who has finally had enough of Wisconsin’s bullshit.

Doe made the “fatal” mistake of stepping on the white paint in the crosswalk and proceeded to take a dramatic tumble.

“Have you ever seen that Vine where the guy has the shovel and he slips and slides everywhere?” one witness asked DC. “It looked exactly like that.”

Doe ended up face-planting in the center of the intersection in front of some two hundred students. The mixture of mocking laughter and pity was too much for the guy, and he stormed off in a huff.

“Even the guys in the UW Grounds truck rolled down their window and laughed and pointed,” said the source. “Poor guy. I heard him threaten to drop out when he was running off.”

Clearly, Doe made good on his threat, as his roommate returned to their dorm to find his side completely empty and a note resting on the bed. The distraught roomie was willing to release the note. As an in-state student, he’d been concerned for his California bunkmate in the harsh climate.

“He didn’t have what it took to survive here,” he said tearfully. “The actual winter months were bad enough, but he just was exhausted by this second round in the spring.” Unable to continue, he shook a fist at the flurries drifting down from the sky. “Damn you, eternal winter!”

Doe’s note read: “I’ll never live down what just happened. Too many people saw. F*** Wisconsin. I’m going home to L.A. where it doesn’t snow in April. I left you the rest of my 24 pack. Crack an extra cold one for me. -J.”

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