Many questions are being asked of Mark Zuckerberg. The 33-year-old CEO testified in front of Congress on Tuesday and Wednesday about the data harvesting of 50 million Facebook users by a British political consulting firm, Cambridge Analytica, and other privacy concerns brought about by the Russian influence in the 2016 presidential election.
To prepare for the hearing, the young executive took lessons in charm and rehearsed for hours in front of a mock congress. He lost his regular genius-chill gray T-shirt and donned a suit and tie for the occasion. The boy was a picture of humility and professionalism, never faltering from the questions fired at him for 10 brutal hours, while reminding the room throughout of the humble dorm-room origins of the company to foster empathy and relatability. By the end of the first day, confidence seemed to be restored in Zuckerberg as Facebook’s stock rose by 4.5 percent.
Despite 10 hours of questioning, one question that was on all our minds throughout the grueling process was never asked. The thought was the elephant in the room, and still lingers in the minds of Facebook users across the country.
Is Mark Zuckerberg, in fact, human?
Since being brought into the spotlight, concerns that the multi-billion dollar corporation is actually being run by an artificially intelligent cyborg have been weighed considerably. The evidence stacks up against the case for Zucc’s humanity.
Aside from coming to unprecedented power so quickly over an online, all-pervading social network the size of a third of the world’s population, the man just doesn’t seem like he could hold a normal conversation. He was refined and well-spoken during the hearing, but any advanced AI could accomplish this if given the proper coding, and Zuckerberg had hours of lessons in human charm. The theory would also provide a logical explanation as to why Zucc wore the same gray T-shirt everyday; a robot doesn’t sweat. If these reasons weren’t enough, the man named his daughter Maxima, which means “the greatest,” but is also the name of a computer algebra system.
Our field reporters went to State Street Brats to discuss the theory with the community.
Last April, Mark Zuckerberg infamously dined at the iconic Madison restaurant and bar to eat not just one brat, but two brats, and a side of cheese curds. He then tweeted out a photo with the following caption.
“Thanks to our community for the recommendations! I basically inhaled the first brat and cheese curds before remembering I should take a photo to thank you all for telling me to come here, so then I ordered this second brat. I do not regret it," he wrote.
In the attached photo, he clutches his sandwich, smiling red-faced and midchew. It is the face of a man enjoying the rich taste of fried meat and cheese, with the perfect combination of apparent vulnerability, sincerity and enjoyment. The Instagram post has a sense of universality and camaraderie, like looking a mirror for many Wisconsinites. But is it too perfect? Could this authenticity be programmed?
We will keep the identity of Mark’s waiter private, which means nothing because he has a Facebook account. The man recalls his first interaction. “He kept calling me ‘fellow homo sapien’."
He also commented on Mark’s peculiar appetite.
“He inhaled that first brat so fast, it was like his mouth was a vacuum. Probably took him less than two seconds, and he swallowed it whole, without even chewing.”
The waiter discussed the uneasy impression Mark gave him, overall.
“At first I was upset by the time he left, because after he had been so friendly, he didn’t even tip me. But later I checked my phone and saw that Mark gave me $200 direct deposit into my checking account. How did he do that!? I think it’s neat that a billionaire could be so funny, relatable, and generous at the same time. What a cool guy. Totally a human-person.”
Providing no other convincing evidence, the State Street Brats worker was not able to provide insight to the Zuckerberg is Definitely a Robot Theory. Zucc’s questionable humanity remains a mystery to The Daily Cardinal, and to the world.
