almanac

Week One: Bolton quits, joins circus

Mr. Bolton reminds us that it's never too late to follow your severely underpaid dreams.

Image By: Image Courtesy of Savannah McHugh

Ahh, there is nothing quite like starting a new job. The fresh scent of opportunity being born, dry cleaned Armani suits, coffee grounds, and White Out. The first day jitters slowly fade as you nonchalantly rearrange your new desk and find your niche in the pristine office environment.

That is, unless if you are the newly appointed National Security Adviser, John Bolton, who was gracefully met at the West Wing’s door with a chemical weapons attack in Syria, not to mention the ever-looming threats of Iran nuclear deal, figuring out what the hell to do about China, and seemingly never ending dick measuring contests against Kim Jong Un. Being met with such tasks right off the bat is unarguably daunting, and the world has been watching patiently, popcorn in one hand and nukes in the other.

Thus, it was very surprising when Mr. Bolton called a press conference and announced his plan of action.

“Screw this job and all of you too. America, you have a big ole terminal, cancerous tumor. Not my problem. I’m joining the circus,” he exclaimed as he threw up deuces and walked out of the conference room, which remained silent besides his cheerful whistling rendition of “Razzle Dazzle” from the hit musical, Chicago.

When President Trump was asked to comment on Bolton’s decision, he needed clarification.

“Bolton…. Bolton…. Defense, you say? Communications? It’s not ringing any bells. But hey, if I picked him, I’m sure he will be great. He’s a great guy, just you believe me. The incredible men and women of this country are going to just LOVE him in the circus. Believe me,” he pleaded as he grabbed for his cell phone, presumably to tweet such a statement.

While it is unclear whether Mr. Bolton will perform on the trapeze, become a clown, or even a ringmaster, there should be no doubt in our hearts that he will not disappoint. While our nation’s security may become a problem, at least Bolton will be able to, as President Trump may say, “Make the Circus Industry Great Again”.

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