“Vines that keep me from ending it all,” “Vines that cured my depression” and “Vines that really butter my crispy flake:” the threads of six-second videos of pure glee and bliss can be found on nearly every form of social media. When it was announced on Jan. 17, 2017, that the iconic video application was going to be laid to rest, hearts were broken worldwide. While millions of people were now able to escape the vomit-inducing ignorance of individuals such as Logan Paul, Nash Grier and Jacob Sartorius with much more ease, the detrimental effects of the death of Vine left no part of our earth untouched.
Hurricanes ravaged the United States’ South, SpongeBob was diagnosed with ALS, Lil Peep died then somehow became relevant and it was proven that you need literally zero political experience to become the president of the United States. These horrendous events, as well as many others, took place after the death of Vine, and scientists everywhere have been considering any correlation or causation between the two.
Specifically, The World Institute of Shitty Things Happening has made monumental breakthroughs in identifying the cause of these events.
“There is absolutely a cause and effect relationship in play here. Vine was the binding between all beings on planet Earth, and with this metaphorical glue gone, beings have returned to their barbaric natures. Racism, sexism, terrorism, all the negative –isms have only become increasingly more toxic. I’m just going to put this out there, but when Vine still existed, Tom Petty and Malcom Young were still alive,” stated a researcher in TWIOSTH’s Social Media and Technology Lab.
While this cause may seem odd, it is reassuring that there is an objective reason that these things are happening, as it was beginning to become a concern that humanity was honestly just screwed.
On a brighter note, rumors have been spreading that a new version of Vine, often called “Vine 2,” could be making a comeback, as hinted by founder Dom Hofmann on Twitter.
There is hope!
