almanac

Hero seeking return to home country faces 10 year delay, blames economy

Odysseus pictured rolling his eyes while speaking of his home country.

Image By: Savannah McHugh

As a decorated war hero was set to return to his home country after many ongoing years of relentlessly brutal combat, only to realize that his return home would not be as simple as he had expected.

“All twelve ships holding my crew got caught in a set of violent storms, then we got captured by a cyclops that blamed us for his daddy issues,” Greek hero Odysseus of Ithaca described his journey. “I promised that I would take them all to Chipotle after we got back, but they had to go and piss off the cyclops, which got them eaten alive. Those ungrateful turds. Shoulda taken the Chipotle.”

Odysseus’s problems are another entry in the latest litany of issues brought upon Greek citizens by the reckless spending by their government officials on things that are in no way beneficial to the welfare of their country.

“I was kind of annoyed that I couldn’t have just flown there. Honestly, Greece doesn’t give us any money or updated equipment, so we all look like idiots when we get into a sticky situation,” Odysseus continued. “After some mythological sea monster swallowed one of our ships because it was too slow and outdated, Poseidon just destroyed the rest like they were made of cardboard! I was even held captive by a seafaring goddess for seven whole years! The Greek government couldn’t afford to send a mere pigeon to ask for my release! I was appalled.”

When Daily Cardinal correspondents were sent to the Greek parliament to gain insight on Odysseus’s frustrating debacle, none of the Greek officials were present for comment. It was later discovered that upon hearing of the impending delivery of their bailout check, courtesy of the EU, they had used the last of their government budget to finance a Caribbean getaway.

“That doesn’t surprise me,” Odysseus reacted to the absence of Greek officials. 

Odysseus was one of the few that was able to return successfully from the Trojan War, a ten-year long conflict that ended in dramatic fashion on Trojan soil. After facing much unexpected adversity during a harrowing journey, he made it home to his wife and adult son. When asked if there were any aspects of his long journey that weren’t physically and emotionally devastating, Odysseus blushed a shade of deep crimson, puffing his chest with pride.

“It wasn’t so bad for my little friend down there,” he said, blatantly gesturing in the direction of his penis. “But don’t tell Penelope that.”

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