almanac

LiAngelo Ball steals Trump’s hairpiece on Air Force One

Trump's hairpiece was discovered inside LiAngelo's duffel bag.

Three UCLA basketball players were arrested in Huangzhou province on suspicion of shoplifting this weekend at a Louis Vuitton store. The players included LiAngelo Ball. James Curry, who has served as the Pentagon’s executive director of foreign policy intervention since his appointment in 2014, gave Cardinal reporters a look at the workings behind the deal. All opinions are of the interviewee and do not necessarily reflect the beliefs or values of the Department of Defense.

“It’s really quite common for citizens to be freed by presidents. Think of this practice as an unofficial pardon,” Curry said. “It appears that Mr. Ball doesn’t believe Trump played too large a part in the release of his son. That’s cute. Now try stealing signs from North Korea.”

Trump, in a rare gesture of individual goodwill, treated LiAngelo Ball to a ride on Air Force One back to the United States. Upon arrival at Dulles Airfield in Washington, D.C, he stepped from the plane to a flurry of reporters and a briskly cold head.

“Dear me,” he said, “my hair’s gone!”

Trump’s pattern baldness had been known for some time but the extent of the follicular damage was not revealed publicly until LiAngelo snatched the toupee.

Sources say Ball, who is now in the custody of the Secret Service, stole the toupee on a dare from his UCLA teammates, who were relegated to steerage class aboard an Air China flight in reprimand for the athletes’ contemptible behavior. 

“From a foreign policy standpoint, LaVar Ball’s behavior is fascinating,” Curry said.  “For someone who names his kids LaMelo, LiAngelo, and Lonzo, he’s quite outspoken. For someone whose child has just been freed from indefinite incarceration in a despotic, authoritarian nation-state, he’s awfully ungrateful.”

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