Skip to Content, Navigation, or Footer.
The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Thursday, March 28, 2024
Press Conference
Press conference at the GAVI Alliance pledging event. UK aid will help vaccinate a child in the developing world every two seconds for the next five years, the Prime Minister announced today. Over 80 million under-fives living in some of the poorest countries in the world will be vaccinated against killer diseases like pneumonia and diarrhoea with the help of British aid as part of a broader collective effort. Opening a four-hour push to save lives hosted by David Cameron, Ellen Johnson-Sirleaf (President of Liberia) and Bill Gates (Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation), the Prime Minister called on other donors to dig deep in order to reach the target of vaccinating at least a quarter of a billion children in the next five years in order to save the lives of four million children.

FDA and drug lords issue a massive heroin recall

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

In light of a recent bad crop that went to market, the FDA and major drug cartels are recalling all heroin sold in the US within the past two weeks to ensure the continuing safety of consumers. Within the past week, federal inspectors have noticed a spike in heroin-related deaths in the United States, inciting a nationwide recall that is estimated to cost hundreds of millions of dollars. 

Upon tracing the source of the drug, a particular crop out of Colombia was found to have anomalies due to mistakes in the refining process. Those afflicted have encountered any number of abnormal side effects such as overdosing more easily and watching the Bob Newhart show until they die of malnutrition. As of now, estimates show that roughly fifty percent of users of this crop have experienced symptoms, with a five percent mortality rate. 

In a speech alongside FDA officials, drug lord Esteban Gutierrez assured consumers the situation was “coming under control.”

“As always, the Cartels have the best interest of the consumer in mind. We understand there is great concern among our customers, and we are following all FDA guidelines to remedy the situation. With your cooperation we can remove the tainted product from the streets and resume normal and safe sales.”

When asked about the massive price toll involved with the recall, Gutierrez appeared unfazed.

“Any price is worth the continued safety and satisfaction of our customers. We want people to be alive, well, and hopelessly addicted to heroin.”

According to FDA reports, nearly two hundred thousand users have already returned their purchases and are very, very eagerly awaiting the return of safe product into the market. Frequent user Jake Lemon expressed his pleasure with the process.

“I think those guys really have our backs.” he said as he twitched and scratched at his arm. “I never even watch Bob Newhart but better safe than sorry you know? Hey do you know when they’re gonna sort this whole thing out? Like, I’ve been waiting for almost like 45 minutes and I could really use a fix.”

The process of recovering product is still underway. If you own any product bought within the time period of the recall, you can return it to any dealer or grocery store for a full refund and a package of fruit snacks.

Enjoy what you're reading? Get content from The Daily Cardinal delivered to your inbox
Support your local paper
Donate Today
The Daily Cardinal has been covering the University and Madison community since 1892. Please consider giving today.
Comments


Powered by SNworks Solutions by The State News
All Content © 2024 The Daily Cardinal