In light of a recent bad crop that went to market, the FDA and major drug cartels are recalling all heroin sold in the US within the past two weeks to ensure the continuing safety of consumers. Within the past week, federal inspectors have noticed a spike in heroin-related deaths in the United States, inciting a nationwide recall that is estimated to cost hundreds of millions of dollars.
Upon tracing the source of the drug, a particular crop out of Colombia was found to have anomalies due to mistakes in the refining process. Those afflicted have encountered any number of abnormal side effects such as overdosing more easily and watching the Bob Newhart show until they die of malnutrition. As of now, estimates show that roughly fifty percent of users of this crop have experienced symptoms, with a five percent mortality rate.
In a speech alongside FDA officials, drug lord Esteban Gutierrez assured consumers the situation was “coming under control.”
“As always, the Cartels have the best interest of the consumer in mind. We understand there is great concern among our customers, and we are following all FDA guidelines to remedy the situation. With your cooperation we can remove the tainted product from the streets and resume normal and safe sales.”
When asked about the massive price toll involved with the recall, Gutierrez appeared unfazed.
“Any price is worth the continued safety and satisfaction of our customers. We want people to be alive, well, and hopelessly addicted to heroin.”
According to FDA reports, nearly two hundred thousand users have already returned their purchases and are very, very eagerly awaiting the return of safe product into the market. Frequent user Jake Lemon expressed his pleasure with the process.
“I think those guys really have our backs.” he said as he twitched and scratched at his arm. “I never even watch Bob Newhart but better safe than sorry you know? Hey do you know when they’re gonna sort this whole thing out? Like, I’ve been waiting for almost like 45 minutes and I could really use a fix.”
The process of recovering product is still underway. If you own any product bought within the time period of the recall, you can return it to any dealer or grocery store for a full refund and a package of fruit snacks.