Silverback gorillas escape from primate lab, wreak havoc on Mifflin Street

Mifflin Street has been closed to the public and largely sealed off from reporters and press after a group of juvenile silverback gorillas escaped containment at the controversial Harlow Center for Biological Psychology—more commonly known as the Primate Lab—and utterly trashed the rental properties on Mifflin Street a full two months before tradition dictated they be trashed during the Mifflin Street Block Party.
“We were not aware of the presence of these gorillas on our campus,” an assistant dean of the Psychology Department said. “And we are taking appropriate action to remedy the situation. The apes are being disciplined as we see fit.”
Eyewitness accounts describe a riotous scene, with the gorillas raiding refrigerators, flipping tables, punching holes through drywall and beating their chests atop the roofs of the rental properties to establish their dominance over new territory.
“They drank our entire supply of Absinthe,” a junior girl affiliated with Greek Life said. “There’s nothing left for our banger on Thursday night.”
“What a bunch of party animals,” a fraternity brother living on Mifflin Street quoted. “They’re invited to our next rage, guaranteed.”
 Landlords were concerned with the level of damage to their rental properties, as well as the absence of concern displayed by the tenants as the apes ravaged their homes.
 “They were cheering the gorillas on,” a police deputy said. “We had begun to tranquilize them, and the crowds of college kids became upset whenever a gorilla got hit by a dart. It’s like they were looking forward to seeing the gorillas smash something else, and throw it onto the street.”
 The Madison Fire Department worked through the night to clear the debris cluttering the street, as destroyed tiki bars, splintered beer pong tables and shattered bottles of hard liquor rendered much of the roadway impassable into the early afternoon.
“If only we had been there to see the whole thing happen,” a firefighter said, as he cleared a Bucky Badger-shaped beer pong table from the debris. “That looked lit.”
 The Primate Lab declined a request to comment.