almanac

Florida to become 42-million-acre golf course under Trump

American golf enthusiasts rejoiced Friday after Donald Trump’s transition team announced an agenda to rebuild the state of Florida. The proposal, known as “Drain the Swamp,” includes provisions to demolish low-income neighborhoods, stabilize swampland through large-scale casino construction efforts, and to build a goliath, 42-million-acre golf course encompassing the entire state.
“Hopefully, our plans are widespread enough to cover the entire state of Florida,” incoming Chief of Staff Reince Priebus said. “We wouldn’t want to leave any key spots undeveloped.”
The state of Florida measures 65,755 square miles in area, or just over 42 million acres of land. Trump’s plan, as outlined by Priebus, would demolish every man-made structure in Florida to make room for the new green.
“We have buildings,” Trump announced, “standing in the way of our movement. They are badly built. They are built by illegal labor.”
Critics of the proposal call it “ludicrous,” that the entire state of Florida would be overhauled for a recreational golf course, but its pundits cite economic traffic and tourist revenue as clear plus-sides of such a project.
“When you look at economic activity,” a White House advisor said, “it’s clear that the average tourist needs an incentive to move inland from the beaches at Sarasota and Bradenton on the West Coast or Delray and Daytona on the East. The center of this state isn’t getting any attention at all.”
“The golf course is going to drive revenues up state-wide,” Priebus said.
“We predict a 270 percent growth in stateside GDP, and a 70 percent reduction in the unemployment rate by November of 2019.”
The finalized project would involve the (forced) relocation of all 19.9 million Florida residents, the complete drainage of the Everglades National Park and the importing of 643 million pounds of unadulterated Chinese sod. When asked about the challenges the residents of Florida would have to face during the construction of the golf course, Priebus was nonchalant.
“It’s business,” he said casually. “They’ll learn to play the game.”

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