UW-Madison staff and authorities took shelter in the Mosse Humanities Building over Halloween weekend as hordes of drunken students swarmed the capitol, an official UW-Madison press release stated.
After the federal government declined the university’s request for National Guard assistance, UW-Madison administration fled Bascom Hall for safety within the thick concrete walls of the Humanities Building.
“They were stacking sandbags near the doors,” said UW-Madison student Rickey Hobbs. “I think I saw the chancellor laying bear traps around the stairs.” Witnesses reported seeing engineering professors setting up giant loaded crossbows facing Park Street.
The Mosse Humanities Building, despite being one of the oldest buildings on campus, has not been renovated since its construction in 1966. Some students theorize this is because the Humanities Building is one of the few citadels left on campus that can withstand a sustained assault from droves of intoxicated students.
“Not a lot of people know that Mosse was constructed specifically for weekends like these,” said Provost and Vice Chancellor for Academic Affairs Sarah Mangelsdorf, who could be seen Friday carrying ammunition and foodstuffs down Bascom Hill.
“The concrete is 3-feet deep and the building’s labyrinthian hallways ensure that even if the students get in, they won’t be able to get anywhere. Not to mention the dozens of armed university staff waiting for them.”
The UW-Madison staff’s need for a fortress over Halloween weekend is a recent phenomenon—“I remember when Halloween was a peaceful holiday,” remarked one UW-Madison professor, who had taken up residence with fellow staff in one of Mosse’s lecture halls over the weekend. “I never thought I would be presented with a scenario at my workplace where I would have to hammer a bunch of nails into a baseball bat just to feel secure.”
In recent years, the university’s deployment of attack helicopters and armored vehicles has done little to curtail the chaos of Halloween weekend. “After we lost the entire nutritional science teaching staff when the students burned down Ag Hall the first time, we haven’t taken any chances,” said Vice Provost of Student Life Lori Berquam.
At press time, UW administration had begun slowlyemerging from the Humanities Building in order to begin the massive reconstruction.
