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Thursday, April 18, 2024

Scott Walker proposes replacing SERF rec facility with 272-foot-tall statue of self

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

The SERF, slated for demolition May 1, has been zoned for a new recreational facility. Construction on the structure is planned for early 2017. The Office of the Governor announced, in an address to the state Legislature  Oct. 3, that Madison’s city council has pitched a bid to build a towering statue of Gov. Scott Walker in place of the old facility.

“With the budget cuts to the university, we should have no problem funding the statue,” Walker said in an address to a joint session of the state legislature Tuesday. “All the stone would be locally sourced, from quarries in Middleton and Manitowoc, Wisconsin.”

Proponents of the statue argue that it would fortify the populace’s faith in the Office of the Governor, and promote lasting sentiments of state loyalty among out-of-state students. Opponents of the statue claim that it would be a disruptive force to the city, the university and the workings of the Capitol. Others criticize the initiative for focusing too strongly on tourist appeal. The statue would be almost 100 feet taller than the Leaning Tower of Pisa, and just 44 feet shorter than Big Ben.

“It’s ridiculous that while other buildings have to be kept below 181 feet [the height of the State Capitol] … the governor just gets to build himself a statue that’s twice as high,” Mohammad McCurdy, co-owner of McCurdy’s Curds, said Wednesday. “It’s ridiculous that [the governor] wants to build a statue of himself that’s taller than the building he works in.”

“We will count it as infrastructure,” Walker said in the address to the legislature Monday. “The project counts toward our long-neglected, vital task of improving our state’s ailing infrastructure. It is the best thing for the city of Madison … as we have seen fit.”

Other initiatives suggested by the Office of the Governor in recent weeks included a State Street outlet store for the Milwaukee Bucks, cuts to elementary education funding, and the forced closure of 12 underperforming Milwaukee middle schools.

“Hopefully, we can build a long and winding road leading up to the statue,” Walker said. “That should count for something.”

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