Freshman student Jake Varpa does not, in fact, remember the Alamo.
The story surfaced in Varpa’s American history class last week, as the professor dramatically entered the classroom in full frontier garb, wielding a musket and shouting “Remember the Alamo!” The tragedy of the massacre is still fresh in the hearts and minds of all good Americans, so it was not surprising when the class became incensed, adding to his chant and even breaking out a Texan flag. This made it all the more surprising when Varpa remained seated and silent, carefully reading the fact on the inside of his Snapple cap.
The professor, concerned with Varpa’s lack of enthusiasm, went over to check on the young lad, asking “Do YOU remember the Alamo?” Varpa, confused, inquired if this were a quiz he should have known about. It was then that the awful truth was confirmed.
Many classmates were upset by the display of ignorance, prompting shouts of “How could you forget the Alamo?” and “Build a wall!” Varpa was immediately sent out of classroom with a stack of texts on the Texas Revolution and Mexican-American War, charged with “remembering what cannot be forgotten.”
As news spread across the nation of Madison’s most shameful student, riots erupted throughout Texas and Varpa was mercilessly insulted across social media platforms. The Department of Defense, however, was willing to take some of the blame.
“While Varpa’s failing knowledge is appalling,” said President James K. Polk, “the fault may lie in our own hands. In recent years, the battle cry “Remember the Alamo” has been less and less effective when recruiting younger generations to local militias. Because we stepped down our efforts, someone was bound to not remember the Alamo at some point.”
Davy Crockett could not be reached for comment, but probably would have said “What kind of dick doesn’t remember the Alamo?”
