almanac

Adorable freshman requests one marijuana from his first dealer

Mathew Grimes, a delightful little freshman, ordered a single marijuana from a dealer last Friday night in an attempt to really take his dorm party to the next level.

The recent high school grad felt that although his party was “already lit,” he really wanted to “get some green.” Cardinal reporters on the scene followed the freshman and his posse of nervous friends to Mathew’s cousin’s friend’s brother Justin’s apartment.

The deal took place on the third floor of 420 W. Gorham apartments at around 8:30 p.m. after some frantic discussion between him and his pack of floormates about cost. The swarm of baby-faced youth came to the consensus that $150 would be enough but they might throw in another $25 for “the good stuff.”

“One marijuana please,” said Grimes, sliding the money under the apartment door. After a few minutes a single leaf was slid back and Grimes quickly pocketed the drug, glancing around nervously and sweating profusely.

“It was exhilarating. I never thought I would do something so dangerous, so daring, so bold…” exclaimed the freshman, lighting the leaf on fire and taking a deep breath. “Damn this stuff is strong. I will definitely be coming back to this guy.”

After Grimes left, Cardinal reporters returned to the apartment and sat down with Justin, a fourth-year student studying botany.

“I was gonna just take the money and act like I wasn’t home but then I thought ‘hey, this is your brother’s friend’s cousin, at least give him something. I gave him this leaf from a mutated fern that I’ve been growing for my final project,” said Justin, pointing to a twisted plant in the corner. “I’ve got nothing against the guy, he seems like a good kid. But why on earth would I risk getting snitched on by him?” The senior student remarked that he could just tell the freshman was untrustworthy by “the way he knocked with zero authority.”

At press time, Grimes was contemplating buying “a quarter of a cocaine powder” from his new dealer for next week’s kegger at his sister’s lab partner’s house.

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