Almanac

Nigerian prince expected better response to mass email

This poorly written email, sent by Prince Yabani, did not garner the response he had anticipated from the American people.

Image By: Image by Noah Mack

NIGERIA—After a week of turmoil in Nigeria, the militant leader General Abodom has seized power of the small west African nation. As a result of the coup d’état, the Nigerian royal family has fled to the nearby country of Niger, but is concerned that the sizable fortune they have accumulated over years of unrelenting rule may fall into the rebels’ hands.

According to sources who wish to remain unnamed, roughly 30 million U.S. dollars are stored in a shell corporation set up by the Panamanian law firm Mossack Fonseca. However, the family’s economic advisor reports concern about the security of the funds. When asked by reporters, he stated that “the good King Olisicka, despite his grandeur and perfection, has stored his banking password on a scrap of paper beside his computer.”

In a last-ditch effort to ensure his financial future, the heir to the throne, Prince Yabani, has placed his faith in the generosity of the American people. After acquiring a massive email list, Prince Yabani sent an email begging Americans for help. Sources who received the email have noticed the poor grammar and word-choice, but Yabani insists that his minimal English learning made the email blast seem more genuine.

In the email, Yabani explained the political turmoil of his country, and why it was critical to remove the money from the shell corporation and to a secure place in the recipient’s bank account. It also outlined a procedure for the recipient to provide the capital for the withdrawal fee, which according to the email the royal family “trgicly cant pay do to the new poorness from escping to country new.” It also ensured repeatedly that the money provided would be returned upon Olisicka’s return to power, along with a sizable interest.

At press time, Yabani announced that he had not yet received the response his whole family was waiting for. He stated, “I always heard about the generosity of Americans, I don’t know why they are not jumping on this offer. It should seem too good to be true!”

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