BLOBFISH AT A GLANCE
PHYSICAL TRAITS: Complete and total smokeshow, lacks many humanlike traits.
CAREER GOALS: Eventually be able to possess some sort of emotion, eventually evolve to possess muscle, go into professional facial advertising.
PRIMARY FLAWS: Could probably stand to drop a few pounds but DAMN that face is hot.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Everybody wants to make out with his beautiful face.
PLACE OF RESIDENCE: Deep in the ocean off the coast of New Zealand.
Final Score: 3/10
FULL REVIEW:
At my most recent family reunion, I was relaxing with my wonderful, genetically linked companions when I made a miraculous discovery about my grandpa Harold.
Grandpa Harold has always been an odd man. Lacking arms and legs, Harold has the tendency to only be able to live in water and hates breathing air. He also has never talked to me and doesn’t possess the capability of speech (classic Grandpa Harold, what a joker.) We always blew this off and blamed his diet for the physical oddities, but due to my expertise with animals, I’ve discovered that Grandpa Harold isn’t human at all but is in fact a blobfish!
I obviously needed to review my grandpa out of respect for my gene pool, so I decided now was a perfect time to work from home, and write another animal review.
Blobfish are gel-like deep sea creatures made up of material less dense than water. This extremely light material means that they ultimately have no need for muscle. Grandpa Harold has never been able to open a jar of food, consequently shattering his ability to fit in with more masculine, testosterone-laden males. I’ve always tried to get him into better shape because I needed him to open some of my favorite extra-spicy salsa jars, but now that I know the truth, I sympathize with him much more. It also helps that I am now able open my own salsa jars.
Earlier I said he had never spoken, but that is not entirely true. Grandpa Harold said one line in 2012 completely out of nowhere: “Those fuckers will never catch me.” The sentence has puzzled me ever since but I now realize he was referring to fishermen. Blobfish have become an endangered species due to bottom trawling fishing nets, and Grandpa Harold was simply voicing his discontent.
Grandpa Harold has never been much of an emotional being, frequently staring apathetically at walls in his free time. Even music doesn’t really rouse any sort of emotion out of my lovable grandfather blobfish. The only song which has ever stirred any response is “Under Pressure” by Queen. He bobbed up and down slightly to the song and even shed a tear. This emotional response is likely due to the blobfish residing in pressures 60–120 times higher than those found at sea level.
Scientists have no idea how long blobfish live so it’s still unclear what stage of his life Harold is in. Judging by his admiration for expensive cars, however, it can be assumed that he is in some sort of midlife crisis.
I’ve never really cared much for Grandpa Harold, so I’m giving this ugly little bastard a 3/10.
