Jess Gohlke, thermodynamics prodigy, revealed the findings of her anxiously awaited senior thesis early Monday morning, finally revealing her results regarding the hottest guy on campus.
“It was really only a matter of heat when you came down to it,” Gohlke explained with an aura of superiority and arrogance. “When you take the smoking hotness of a guy and see what influences it, you find that the majority of hot guys have massive amounts of body weight and thick wool sweatshirts,” she said. “The guys who look like yetis with massive amounts of animal fur and thick bushy beards and eyebrows are far and away the hottest on this campus.”
Gohlke went on to explain how guys can improve their hotness through the use of external factors, such as burrowing deeply inside smoldering coals or vigorously rubbing their hands together to create friction. “Avoiding water at all costs is essential for elevation of your hotness. Water simply cools you down, which is counterproductive when the goal is to increase core temperature to near dangerous levels in order to become a super-hot god of a human being.”
Brick Thorson, super senior from Canada, received the award for hottest guy on campus, due to his devotion to wearing massive bear skins year-round and for his beard, which he has not shaved since kindergarten. Thorson only communicates with guttural grunting, so Cardinal reporters had a hard time interviewing the behemoth, although the great mound of flesh seemed happy with his award after realizing it wasn’t food.
At press time, Gohlke unveiled her revolutionary new heating pad, which could be applied at all times of the day and caused only first degree burns—perfect for improving hotness.
