In a timely business and militaristic move that is already drawing widespread support, MillerCoors CEO and Commander-in-chief Thomas Lang has called for the brewing conglomerate’s military forces to invade the Anheuser-Busch-backed, possibly-mythical town known as ‘Whatever, USA.’
“We will not negotiate with terrorists,” Lang told Cardinal reporters. “There is no denying that this is a hostile takeover, and, to be honest, some heads are gonna roll.”
Known for its inescapable advertising campaign that forces viewers to question whether this futile existence is even worth it, the Bud Light-centered ‘Up For Whatever’ series asks allegedly random, everyday people who apparently have no other worldly obligations whether they are game to attend a lager-and-hipster-packed orgy in a supposedly corporate-manufactured town that may or may not really exist.
Despite MillerCoors’ economic motives being quite transparent, it is hard to argue with the public outpouring of approval and continually growing base of worldwide endorsements, including President Barack Obama, Vladimir Putin, the Committee for the Eradication of Stupid Fucking Shitty Advertisements, the United Nations, both Koreas, and 2016 U.S. Presidential hopeful Jeb Bush, to name just a few.
MillerCoors Chairman and Army General Peter MillerCoorsington implores that they will be completely prepared for whatever ‘Whatever, USA’ might throw their way in resistance efforts.
“We’re prepared for whatever: bean bags, beads, fanny packs, novelty miniature squirt guns, novelty giant sunglasses, human feces,” MillerCoorsington told reporters. “We have one goal and one goal only: to shut those bastards down and make damn sure nothing ‘epic’ happens.”
At press time, a group of MillerCoors soldiers had used a commercial fishing net to corral a fleeing group of ‘Up For Anything’ers, most notable among them being Ke$ha, Warren Sapp, Miley Cyrus, Bret Bielema and the rapper Pitbull.
Anheuser-Busch could not be reached for comment.
Brett will be live-tweeting from Whatever, USA as the action unfolds. Follow along at https://twitter.com/yaboyklink.
