As a result of human-induced climate change, hordes of tasty Swedish Fish are now melting and perishing during their natural spring transatlantic migration from their breeding grounds in Scandinavian fjords to North American factory farms, a Stockholm University study reports.
According to the study, the fish—which traditionally travel in multicolored or exclusively red schools of approximately 50 members—are facing record-high temperatures. The sharp uptick has become so extreme that the heat is now capable of melting their gelatinous scales, causing them to bleed intensely delicious high fructose corn syrup into the water as they slowly sink and die.
Swedish Fish mortality rates are also rising due to increased predation as a result of the destruction of polar bear habitats through polar ice pack melting, says Stockholm University ecology professor Sven Gustafson.
“The primary natural predator—other than humans of course—of Swedish Fish are seals,” Gustafson said while gulping down a massive handful of the scrumptious candies. “Now that polar bears are dying and preying on less seal, seal populations are through the roof.”
Preserving the sweet endangered species has become a pressing conservation issue for the Swedish government.
“Swedish Fish are both our national animal and snack,” Swedish Prime Minister Stefan Löfven explained to Cardinal reporters without offering them any during the interview. “We have constructed an underwater fence to keep them here in Europe and out of the treacherous carbon-infested seas.”
Skeptics of the efforts suspect they are motivated by the Swedes’ bellies rather than their brains.
“If I know greedy Löfven like I think I do, he is just trying to keep all of those cavity-inducing flippers to himself,” former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said while licking her fingers clean of Cracker Jack crumbs. “We used to call him ‘The Shark’ because he always had at least three or four bags [of Swedish Fish] in his suit jacket during United Nations proceedings. If he wants to play dirty, he’s gonna regret it.”
At press time, the U.S. placed a trade embargo on Sweden in addition to formally denouncing the theory of human-produced climate change.
Catch Dylan's latest takes on the world's hottest topics on Twitter at twitter.com/mr_manderson.
