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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Thursday, March 28, 2024
Olivia Munn in all her glory

Aaron Rodgers catches glimpse of Olivia Munn, rendering Super Bowl unimportant

In a pleasant personal revelation for Green Bay Packers quarterback and MVP frontrunner Aaron Rodgers, upon arriving home after a 28-22 overtime loss in the NFC Title Game to the Seattle Seahawks, he caught site of celebrity girlfriend Olivia Munn and instantly registered that advancing to the Super Bowl is utterly irrelevant.

“When I walked through my front door and caught a glimpse of that world-class beauty, I had an epiphany of sorts and realized, ‘Who the fuck cares about football, or anything else in the world for that matter?’” Rodgers told the press.

“[Munn] had that look in her eye and ever-so-lightly grabbed my hand,” Rodgers continued. “At that point you could have asked me what I do for a living, or my parents’ names, or where I grew up, and I honestly wouldn’t have been able to come up with a damn thing.”

Rodgers proceeded to announce his retirement, divulging his plan to cut all professional ties, deposit his entire fortune into savings and begin a life secluded from all of civilization not named Olivia Munn.

In response to Rodgers’ comments, Packers head coach Mike McCarthy echoed much of the same sentiment, explaining that if he were going home to “that breathtaking angel,” he would most certainly regard a simple sporting contest as meaningless and trivial as well.

“[New England and Seattle] can stress over a silly old championship and live out their childish dreams for one more week,” Rodgers told Cardinal reporters. “I won’t be watching a single moment of Sunday’s game…I’ll be too busy calling a hot route at the line of scrimmage all day, if you know what I mean.”

As it would appear, Rodgers’ innumerous successes in his life and career, as well as his most recent shortfalls surrounding the game he used to love, truly no longer hold any significance.

Quite frankly, this Daily Cardinal reporter couldn’t agree more.

In his closing remarks, Rodgers centered on opposing quarterback Russell Wilson.

“I saw that [Wilson] was praising his God after the game, like he had achieved something notable, or attained something of value, but… I date Olivia Munn. Has he not seen her?”

This article is a part of our Almanac desk's Other News coverage, satirical articles that appear on Thursdays.

Follow Brett on Twitter at https://twitter.com/yaboyklink

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