Three of the 55 hopelessly out-of-shape cops that make up the University of Wisconsin-Madison Police Department broke up an onion ring saturday night so they could all enjoy its savory fried flavor.
The onion ring, one of 35, was the last morsel of food from an obscenely large Falbo Bros Pizzeria order that included four large meat-lovers pizzas, 20 breadsticks, 15 Jalapeno Poppers and something called a “Falzone.” When the policemen realized that only a single ring remained, they decided to break it up into three equally greasy parts.
UW-Madison Police Department Chief Sandra Rousling, who saw the operation unfold first-hand, says she’s proud of what the officers accomplished Saturday.
“That’s police cooperation, right there,” Rousling said, completely unaware of the dried spaghetti sauce on her left cheek. “My boys knew they had to break that ring up no matter what. I mean, those things are so good, they ought to be illegal.”
According to the three heavy-set policemen, the onion ring nearly went unnoticed.
“I was still a little hungry after we ate, so I started to investigate all the old food wrappers strewn around our desks,” Sergeant John Chambers said between bites of a Long John donut. “I was really digging around trying to get to the bottom of all of it. We take pride in being very thorough here at the department, so I checked every bag. It took me a good minute to uncover that ring, but the extra effort paid off. It always does in this line of work.”
Officer Martin Wells said he was excited when Chambers discovered the ring, but was a little disappointed after they broke it up.
“Was it good? Yeah,” Wells said, rubbing his bloated stomach. “But I’ve broken up bigger rings than that in my career.”
The last policeman to get a piece of the onion ring was Officer Greg Feld. He says breaking up rings like these is commonplace at the UW- Madison Police Department.
“It wasn’t that big of a deal,” Feld said, wiping his greasy fingers on his uniform trousers. “We do this all the time. You know, my old partner and I broke up a fried calamari ring once. Now, that’s more of a white-collar type of ring right there. I don’t know the street-value of calamari off hand, but it’s up there.”
At press time, Daily Cardinal moles deep within the UW-Madison Police Department reported that the three officers, hungry once again, were engaged in an all night steak-out.
