Erica,
How do you avoid that awkward moment after sex when the guy pulls out and a bunch of semen comes out with him? I’m on the pill and so my boyfriend and I don’t use condoms…we both like it better this way except for this issue. Please help!
—Juicy
Sex towel!
Juicy, apart from using condoms to keep things contained, there aren’t really any foolproof methods of avoiding that moment. If you have sex with somebody with a penis, odds are good that jizz will be part of the equation at least some of the time, and really, if you have sex with anybody at all, fluid management will have to be addressed.
A tried-and-true method is the aforementioned sex towel. Keep a soft towel handy where you and your partner tend to get it on, and lay it out underneath you before sex. Your sheets/couch/tabletop will be protected from fluids, and you can use it to wipe down afterwards without having to get up and leave the moment. Toss the towel in the wash when you’re through and lather, rinse, repeat.
Tissues will work just fine for cleanup, too. After you’re done, both of you grab a tissue. Your boyfriend pulls out directly into his, and you catch any chasers with yours.
Another classic method is the old post-sex bathroom trip. If you’re female-bodied, a post-sex pee can help prevent UTIs, and regardless of your anatomy, sitting on the toilet for a moment will give those fluids a gravity-assisted exit. This is what I call “Tebowing,” since that word just begs to be redefined à la Santorum. Bowing your forehead into your fist and thanking Jesus is optional, but you get extra style points if you do.
To facilitate any of these methods, try having your boyfriend pull out slowly while you contract your muscles around him. This is unlikely to totally eliminate any love juice leakage—ultimately, what goes up must eventually come down—but it may help minimize any fluid escape until you get to the bathroom or get a tissue in place.
Dear Erica,
I know there is always the great “spit or swallow” debate…but I am curious. From a purely technical standpoint, what do you do with it if you don’t swallow it?
—No Names Please
Obviously you give your partner a big old kiss and then your partner swallows it. Circle of life.
NNP, I’m sure people do a lot of different things with it if they don’t swallow. Maybe they spit it into a tissue, or maybe they go to the bathroom and dump it in the sink. Maybe they keep a spittoon next to the bed. I really don’t know.
Also, I would like to end the “great ‘spit or swallow’ debate” right now, because those are so not the only two options. Since semen’s final resting place seems to be of great interest to Dirty Bird readers this week, let’s get creative! What else could you do with semen other than swallow it or spit it out into a tissue?
I’ll start. You could let your partner cum on your stomach, or your chest or your face. You could let him cum on his own stomach, chest or face. You could let him cum into your houseplant and see if it flowers or dies. You could get a black light and use it to write secret messages to each other. There is a cookbook available for purchase which bills itself as “a collection of semen-based recipes.” Go nuts.
At the end of the day, Juicy and NNP, semen is something you’ll figure out how to deal with if you are somebody or have sex with somebody who makes it. Like death and taxes, the cum conundrum is a certainty of life.
Want more tips on how to keep relatively dry after a hot and steamy love session? E-mail Erica at sex@dailycardinal.com for more helpful hints to solve your sticky situation.
