This week I have decided to write from the perspective of certain conservative organizations who contend that Christmas is under attack and on the brink of extinction.
When I heard that another interest group was calling for the boycott of Wal-Mart, I rolled my eyes, thinking it was another liberal group concerned over Wal-Mart's labor practices. But when I heard that the organization protesting Wal-Mart this time was the Catholic League for Civil and Religious Right, I became concerned. When I learned that the Catholic League's calls for a boycott were the result of Wal-Mart's attempts to ban Christmas, my heart stopped ... Wal-Mart against Christmas, this had to be a mistake.
But it was not. Wal-Mart hates Christmas. The controversy began when a woman complained to Wal-Mart that it was replacing 'Merry Christmas' with the catchall greeting of 'Happy Holidays.'
In response, a Wal-Mart customer service agent replied that as Wal-Mart is a worldwide organization, its goal was to provide an inclusive atmosphere for all its shoppers.
But then the true intentions of Wal-Mart's policy were revealed by the Christian new service WorldNetDaily, which printed a Wal-Mart customer service representative's response to the lady.
'Christmas is an ancient tradition that has its roots in Siberian shamanism. The colors associated with 'Christmas,' red and white, are actually a representation of the amanita muscaria mushroom. Santa is also borrowed from the Caucuses... and the [Christmas] tree from the worship of Baal,' the customer service representative said.
Shamanism? Mushrooms? What was going on? According to the Christian news service, WorldNetDaily, Bill Donohue, president of the Catholic League, speculated that the customer service agent was drunk. That made sense; he was just some hippie enjoying too much eggnog.
Wal-Mart's head public relations folks confirmed the letter was real, but emphasized that they were not banning Christmas just trying to be respectful of the diverse beliefs of its shoppers.
The plot thickened when Donohue revealed that while Wal-Mart may not be banning Christmas, the store was discriminating against it. The evidence offered was that while Wal-Mart's website returned search hits for Kwanzaa and Hanukkah, when Christmas was typed in the user was referred to Wal-Mart's 'Holidays' page.
Fortunately, those Arkansas elites still have not purged all believers from their company as you can still buy John Gibson's book, 'War on Christmas: How the Liberal Plot to Ban the Sacred Holiday is Worse Than you Thought.'
This is not an isolated incident, but rather just a single example of 'the campaign to eliminate Christmas from our society.' Thankfully, many leading Christians have begun pushing back. Bill O'Reilly and Lou Dobbs have almost daily segments on their shows called 'Christmas under Siege.' O'Reilly really does not believe that 'Happy Holidays' just stems from an attempt to be inclusive, but rather from a sinister liberal agenda. 'Progressives realize that America as it is now will never approve of gay marriage, partial birth abortion, euthanasia ... and many other progressive visions because of religious opposition. But if the secularists can destroy religion in the public arena, the brave new progressive world is a possibility.' Sounds pretty reasonable to me.
First Wal-Mart's elderly greeters replace 'Merry Christmas' with 'Happy Holidays,' and before you know it they will be handing out complimentary copies of Bertrand Russell's 'Why I am Not a Christian,' and performing two abortions for the price of one. Not one to leave fellow Christians in a bind, O'Reilly informed his audience that Christmas shopping could still be done without offending The Son of Man at Dillard's, where the slogan 'Discover Christmas, Discover Dillard's' was used.
Well, there are still some believers out there, so are these guys overreacting? Although some will admit that since America's corporations have started saying 'Happy Holidays' and putting up 'Holiday Trees,' there has not been a corresponding rise in the number of churches being burnt down, but I am not convinced.
After doing my 'Christmas' shopping at Dillard's, I drove past Wal-Mart and saw pagans in the parking lot dancing around the carcass of a goat that had just been sacrificed. Then they used the blood from the goat to draw a pentagram over the Wal-Mart smiley face. I instantly dialed Jerry Falwell, he gave me much needed counsel and convinced me to make a $1,000 contribution to his 'Committee to Save Merry Christmas.'
But the torment did not end there. Although after hearing 'Happy Holidays' over Thanksgiving break from United Airlines, I still managed to make it to church two days later, the same could not be said of the lady sitting next to me. After hearing 'Happy Holidays' she fell to the floor screaming 'Take me now, Satan I am yours!'
Unfortunately it looks like the fight for Christmas is just beginning.
