Your knees shake, your stomach turns and you stammer out incoherent sentences. No, you are not drunk’you’re a nervous guy asking a girl out for the first time. Over the next week, many will face this daunting task. Yet this initial invitation is only the beginning.

The classic dinner date can be among the most treacherous of endeavors. Last weekend, I resolved to face the demons of romantic dining a week early. My experience can serve as a how-to, or a how-not-to guide.

When asking a girl out, nothing eases the nerves like a little deception. Using my food columnist fame, I convince my date that she is helping me write a column. The theme: awkward first dates. She thinks she is merely helping, and this is not a real date. Honesty may be important in relationships, but in my book, clever trickery wins the girl.

At this point, most consider the hard part over, but as a food freak, the dinner date threatens to expose my bizarre eating habits.

Knowing a great meal lay ahead, I resist spoiling my appetite with pre-date snacking. By the time we leave for the restaurant, my blood sugar is nonexistent. Ornery, anxious and a bit light-headed, I am hardly in my most suave mood.

Arriving at the restaurant, my attention is focused solely on food. The menu seems more attractive than a supermodel, and my date begins wondering if I realize she is there.

For most, the bulk of conversation takes place before the food arrives. However, once orders are placed, my eyes usually become fixated on the swinging kitchen doors, and eye contact with my date ceases.

Considering my hunger, you can imagine the unappealing voracity with which I devoured my food. In my defense, sexy chewing is about as possible as sexy toenail clipping. On most dates, I finish my meal before my date has unfolded her napkin, leaving me with no choice but to awkwardly watch her eat her food. Again, chewing is just never attractive.

Having finished my meal, the trusty waiter continues to refill my water glass. It’s usually girls who use the bathroom often, but over the course of dinner I demolish that stereotype. Worse yet, my glass becomes nothing but ice cubes. Unable to sit still, I begin chewing ice’a noise akin to fingernails on a chalkboard.

The greatest challenge of the dinner date comes at the end: leftovers. I am rarely full and usually dying to finish off whatever my date hasn’t eaten. Nothing pains me more than watching delicious cuisine go to waste. This night, my food columnist celebrity rescues me once more, as my date thinks it only right that I sample her dish.

By the end of the meal, I have usually convinced my dates that I am the most disgusting diner on earth. Tonight, though, I am hopeful. I didn’t spill, spit anything out or burp. I had a great time with this girl, and of course the food was incredible.

Asking a girl out for the first time can be tough, and getting through a dinner date can be a challenge. But the combination of great food and a great girl can make for a wonderful night. With Valentine’s Day fast approaching, find a tasty restaurant, muster up your most clever excuse and go for it! As for me, I’ll be busy coming up with a clever and subtle way to ask this girl out Tuesday night.