Reviewing films, it is my duty to protect you, the reader, from the worst the theaters have to offer. Because no one has time to see every movie that comes out everywhere, I need a way to tell readers “FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT’S HOLY, STAY AWAY!” With that in mind, I give you “Boron’s Laws of Bad Movies,” a set of universal bad movie traits, so that you can do the job critics can’t:
The “One-Syllable Title” Law: One syllable titles are usually the mark of a lazily-written or undercooked script, or an idea so brainless that no title can accurately encapsulate it. These titles are generally uninspired, which mirrors the uninspired writing contained within. How was the rogue bomber with artificial intelligence that blew up everything in sight in “Stealth” remotely stealthy? Movies like “Torque,” “10,” “They” and “Crash” (the David Cronenberg one, not the Paul Haggis one) pervade this list.
However, an exception to this rule is “Crash” (Haggis, not Cronenberg).
The “Kingsley-Gooding” Law: No post-“Jerry Maguire” movie with Cuba Gooding Jr. has any value to anyone, and though Ben Kingsley has a slightly higher success rate, his chances of delivering a quality film are slim as well. Kingsley and Gooding have both won Oscars, and they’ve been in movies like “Gandhi,” “Jerry Maguire” and “Schindler’s List.” However, in the past 10 years, they’ve been in movies like “Snow Dogs,” “Lucky Number Slevin,” “Boat Trip” and “Daddy Day Camp”—a movie so bad that Eddie Murphy wanted no part of it.
The “Pun Titles in Comedies” Law: If a comedy’s funny, it doesn’t have to resort to cheap puns to get you to laugh. When you watch “American Idol” auditions, there are people dressed up, dressed down and doing crazy things. But the ones that are the best singers don’t need the shtick because they just do what they’re good at: singing. Comedy is the same way. “Who’s Your Caddy” should take note.
The “Superhero Law of Threes”: No superhero film past the first sequel is as good as its predecessors. “Superman” and “Superman II” were phenomenal. “Superman III” gave us Richard Pryor as a comic sidekick, marking the only time in his career where he wasn’t funny. “X-Men” and “X2”: great. “X3” gave us Brett Ratner. “Batman & Robin” gave us the nippled Batsuit. The laws could go on, but they won’t for your sake.
The “Die Hard but…” Law: If your film can be summed up as “‘Die Hard’ but..,” adding some other wrinkle to that tested formula, it’s probably bad (“Passenger 57,” “Under Siege,” “Air Force One”).
The “Movie” Movies Law: Any movie that followed “Scary Movie” by using “____ Movie” as its title shall be bad. “Date Movie,” “Epic Movie” and “Scary Movie 4” all fall under this law. Recently, the makers of these horrible films tried to evade this law by titling their last film “Meet the Spartans,” but it may as well just have been called “300 Movie.” The laws hate these movies more than anything because not only do they crap all over someone else’s creativity and art in the least creative and artful ways possible, but they are not funny at all (Haha! Finally, someone has the guts to give that Britney Spears the public ridicule she deserves but never before has received).
If you would like to share your own rules about bad movies or defend the merits of ‘Who’s Your Daddy,’ let Brad know at boron@wisc.edu.
