I’ve never been a fan of the saying “all good things must come to an end.” It may be inevitable, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it. Whoever made that saying up obviously was the same kid who left parties first and smelled like a mixture of piss, peanut butter and pencil sharpenings. He became a crotchety old man who threw a fit when your baseball ended up on his grass.
Over the weekend a good thing came back. The Spice Girls performed together in Vancouver on Sunday for the first time in almost 10 years to kick off their new world tour. Dancing in lingerie, the girls had male dancers on their knees in dog collars, proving the older, wiser women have gained a deep, matured artistic vision.
In their heyday, the Spice Girls were a unique group of revolutionary feminists who stood tall for girl power in powdery pink platform shoes. They knew full well the power that came with wearing Union Jack patterned midriffs and writing songs with ridiculously poppy hooks. (Can you say “zig-a-zig-ahhh”?) Naturally, when the Spice Girls retired after six years of grueling hard work, a bunch of 13-year-old girls with braces, puberty issues and an unhealthy addiction to Sketchers were devastated, distraught and heartbroken. The world mourned, but somehow society managed to move on.
And now, a decade later, hope has come back. Reunited. Wrinkled. Better than ever. But why stop there? Why not bring back other things that have enriched the world? Here’s a list of necessities that must be brought back so the world can evolve fashionably, spiritually and culturally.
Child Labor in the U.S.
The lack of domestic child labor is a luxury that the United States can no longer afford. Every product made in America by cute kids could be stamped with the slogan “Made with Love.” This could inflate the price of our products abroad and strengthen the U.S. dollar. Just think of those cute itty-bitty hands and feet pounding away at factories all day. Besides, some kids just aren’t cut out for school—if they don’t pass preschool standardized tests on shapes, colors and physical chemistry, they need to get a head start in the working world. It’d be like “Newsies.”
Fanny Packs
Sure fanny packs bulge the area between your bellybutton and your package, but I wish the fanny pack wave would hit college campuses. One might associate these pouches with flat mom butts, acid washed jeans and asexuality, but I equate practicality with sensuality. Some semi-attractive hipster boys, the ones with those tiny bicyclist caps and skinny jeans on retro bikes, are starting to bring back the pack. These same people brought us trendy thick-rimmed glasses and creative mustaches—all of which are now hot.
Whether biking to class, hiding drugs, or concealing a new baby bump, the pack just makes sense for college kids—especially bar hoppers. No matter how inebriated you get, you are more likely to make it home with your ID, cell phone and maybe even your dignity.
God’s Miracles
Nowadays, it seems like people have found may things to worship—shoes, “The Office,” “Star Wars”—but there was once a time when people knew God existed because he never stopped throwing it in our faces. Back in biblical times, God was always performing miracles to get attention. He was always transforming into burning bushes, turning the odd woman into a pillar of salt and parting red seas. If God really wants his street cred back, then he’s going to have to step it up and stop chilling upstairs—he needs to do something big—something like making every computer in the world play “ 2 Girls 1 Cup” simultaneously, stoning Tyra Banks on live TV and raising Anna Nicole Smith from the dead.
Of course, while we are at bringing back things that made sense, it might be time to rid ourselves of some questionable decisions. I propose we re-visit that whole “letting women vote” thing. I’m sure the Spice Girls would agree.
Ashley really believes that women should have the right to vote, as long as they stay home with the kids. E-mail her your thoughts at aaspencer@wisc.edu.
