Hey there, Mr. and Mrs. American! Do you have a movie that needs a plot device but don’t want to account for it in the rest of your script? Are you just a film hero who is looking to find something before the villains can? Or are you a professional screenwriter whose screenplay is a couple of weeks overdue and you need something to motivate actions? Why, you could use a MacGuffin, fella!

Now, we know what you’re thinking: A MacGuffin is not something you can get from a fast food place, it’s not a new car polish and it’s not that scary music teenagers are playing in their rooms that uses the n-word so darn much. A MacGuffin is a plot device that keeps your script moving, and we’re here today to explain why it’s the only plot device you’ll ever need!

Now you may be asking yourself, “What can a MacGuffin do for me?” Well, it can do anything for you because it can be anything. The Maltese Falcon is a MacGuffin. So is the ring from “Lord of the Rings.” It’s the briefcase’s contents in “Pulp Fiction.” It’s Inspector Clouseau’s missing Pink Panther diamond. In short, it’s a plot device that motivates a character or advances a story but has little or no relevance to the actual story. It is important that it exists, but it’s not important what it actually is.

You don’t believe me about the wonders of the MacGuffin? Well, let’s ask one of its first users and coiner of the phrase, Alfred Hitchcock, what a MacGuffin can do:

“[We] have a name in the studio, and we call it the ‘MacGuffin,’” he once said, according to the Oxford English Dictionary. “It is the mechanical element that usually crops up in any story. In crook stories, it is most always the necklace, and in spy stories it is most always the papers. The only thing that really matters is that, in the picture, the plans, documents or secrets must be of vital importance to the characters. To me, the narrator, they’re of no importance whatsoever.”

The best part of a MacGuffin is that it’s 100 percent recyclable and totally bio-degradable! If you want to get rid of it by the end of the first act, out it goes! If you decide to keep it through the entire movie, that’s fine, too. There are no attachments to buy, no rough edges to smooth, no messy clean-ups! It’s light, portable and so easy a child, or “Grey’s Anatomy” staff writer, could use it.

Yes, millions of people just like you are getting their hands on MacGuffins, and their lives have never been better. Screenplays are written in a snap when you use a MacGuffin. Characters can focus on developing personalities rather than exposition, and directors can focus on telling a story rather than just explaining what an object can do.

So try out a MacGuffin today. We swear, after you try it once, you’ll never want to go back to anything else. And remember, it’s the only plot device with Alfred Hitchcock on the package. Get your MacGuffin today! Available wherever fine plot devices are sold.

If you’re done with your MacGuffin and are ready to hand it over to a ‘Grey’s Anatomy’ writer, let Brad know at boron@wisc.edu.