Rankings. They make sports fun. They’re more than great conversation makers, they’re essential to the American economy. Imagine how many former football players and coaches wouldn’t have jobs if the NCAA abolished the polls.

Lou Holtz would have to work at McDonald’s and he’d probably get all riled up if you asked him to hold the pickles on your Happy Meal hamburger.

For many of us, rankings serve as icebreakers and pickup lines. “Honey, I don’t care what the computer rankings say, you’re No. 1 in my book.”

Yet, as much as I love and depend on rankings to function as a member of society, I have to admit things have gotten a little out of hand lately. And I’m not even talking about the BCS.

It seems every time I turn on a sports channel, I am bombarded with some type of sports ranking list show.

There’s ESPN’s “Who’s Number 1” hosted by Trey Wingo. The crazy thing about this show is that they spend more time actually saying the number of the category than they do showing the best player, biggest game, worst draft bust, most amazing come-from-behind victory, most startling and inadvertent press conference belch, etc.

For example, let’s say ESPN’s illustrious panel of sports experts said Illinois’ 28-21 upset over Ohio State last weekend was the 16th biggest upset of the 2007 college football season.

Instead of showing highlights from the game, they would just show a photo of Juice Williams and have a random guy in a top hat, some sort of Vegas showgirl and rap artist saying “sixteen,” “sixteen,” “sixteen,” “number sixteen,” while the same showgirl held up a big sign with the number 16 on it.

Never one to copy or blatantly ripoff an ESPN program, Fox Sports Net has jumped on the list show bandwagon. In Fox’s defense, its lists are different because they have the word “damn” in front of the category. Best “damn” cup adjustment during an at-bat in Game 5 of a World Series, for example.

Although I may criticize these lists, I, like any writer whose already shallow creative well has run dry, am not above creating my own list.

So without further ado, I present the top-five memorable moments at Camp Randall Stadium over the last four years I have gone to games as a student.

5. Not so fond farewell Saturday Nov. 12, 2005

Former head football coach and current UW Athletic Director Barry Alvarez resurrected a football team and helped build one of the strongest athletic departments in the Big Ten. His three Rose Bowl victories will go down as some of the greatest moments in Badger sports history.

Yet Alvarez did not get to ride off into the sunset. The Badgers lost to Iowa 20-10 in his final home game as head coach. It was not a fitting end for arguably the greatest coaching career in school history, and all those “thanks coach for a job well done” video board messages during the game seemed to pour salt on the wound.

Ironically, that was the only home loss in the last four years.

4. Couldn’t axe for more Saturday Nov. 6, 2004

The Badgers destroyed their rival Minnesota Golden Gophers, 38-14 to move to 9-0. It looked like a Rose Bowl berth or even a National Championship could be in reach.

Unfortunately, consecutive blowout losses to Michigan State and Iowa sent UW to the Outback Bowl, which it also lost. Nevertheless, for a brief moment, it looked as if we would conquer the college football world.

3. Down goes Joe Pa’ Saturday Nov. 4, 2006

Penn State head coach Joe Paterno’s broken leg overshadowed an injury to Wisconsin quarterback John Stocco and an otherwise unentertaining 13-3 victory for the Badgers.

2. Hail to the Victors (in red) Saturday, Sept. 24, 2005 Saturday, Nov. 10, 2007

The first game was everything a Big Ten football contest should be, a hard hitting, hard-fought contest that came down to the final play. Stocco’s quarterback draw with 24 seconds left gave Wisconsin its first victory over Michigan in more than a decade.

The second game is on this list because it provided the perfect ending to four great years of football. I hate to sound like a sappy old man here, but sometime during the playing of the “On Wisconsin Finale” during the 5th Quarter, I realized how lucky I have been to watch UW go 26-1 at the friendly confines of Camp Randall.

I don’t know what future Saturdays will bring—flipping burgers, doing extra work in a small cubicle somewhere, going on exciting excursions to Pier 1 for decorative lamps with the eventual Mrs.—but I do know I’m going to miss drinking at 8:30 a.m., tossing the old pigskin around and watching coach Bielema and the boys in cardinal and white.

1. Mr. Cox presents the Show and Blow program Weekly performances

You didn’t really think this was a serious list did you?

If you don’t like this list, send your best and worst damn sports lists to Ryan at reszel@dailycardinal.com.