It is official—the writers are on strike.
There is one thing most people don’t know about me: before I became a movie columnist, I had dreams of being a strikebreaker; Not necessarily even for screenwriters, but for auto workers, airline pilots, major league baseball players… I would take any opportunity to play the scab. I know how important it is to keep the economy moving.
So with this in mind, I wanted to make sure the show does indeed go on. I decided to write a few film pitches just in case this strike goes on longer than expected. They can’t be worse than the 2001 strike product “Planet of the Apes.”
“Bajillion Dollar Baby”: Clint Eastwood decides to train a kangaroo to box even though he insists, “I don’t train kangaroos.” (He previously worked with an orangutan in “Bronco Billy”?) Though Morgan Freeman’s character isn’t in the movie, Freeman still narrates the story.
“Deuce Bigalow: Solar Gigolo”: NASA sends the Deucester on a trip to the sun to “do his thing” not because they feel he’s qualified, but because they want to send Rob Schneider to the sun as much as we do. Larry the Cable Guy and Rosie O’Donnell co-star/share the rocket.
“American History X-Men”: Edward Norton and Hugh Jackman star in this riveting drama about a skinhead who hates mutants and acts violently towardsthem… until the mutants remember they have superpowers and kick his ass. Morgan Freeman narrates.
“A Night at the Roxbury 2”: The Roxbury guys are back! The film consists entirely of Will Ferrell and Chris Kattan bobbing their heads to the Roxbury song for the film’s full 96-minute running time. Obviously, it will be heralded as the funniest concept SNL has produced in years.
“Young Star Trek: Plutonian Pie”: School’s out for summer at Starfleet Academy, and Cadets Kirk Spock and McCoy go to Miami Beach to “get some.” Kirk becomes king of the beach. McCoy gets down with the green ladies. Spock becomes fascinated with the “antiquated Earth rituals of drunk dialing and Beer Pong.”
“March of the Republicans”: Michael Moore’s new project is a documentary that follows a group of Republicans across the harsh, barren landscape of the U.S. looking for running mates to win the presidency and to hatch eggs with. Morgan Freeman narrates.
“Weekend at Bogey’s”: Two best friends go to Humphrey Bogart’s beach house for a weekend of wine, women and song, only to find out that the star’s been dead for 50 years. However, with a few fishing wires and a pair of sunglasses, they can still have the weekend of their lives. The film climaxes with Bogey’s “dance number” to James Brown’s “I Feel Good.”
“I-D4: Indepen-Ducks Day”: Aliens invade Earth, and it’s up to Emilio Estevez and his wisecracking pee-wee hockey team to win a face-off for the planet. Can he get his team to come together to defeat the hideous, slimy beasts while winning the heart of his dream girl? Quack, quack, quack!
“Dirty Harry Potter: Muggle Justice”: Detective Harry Potter doesn’t just break cases, he smashes them wide open. When Ron “The Weasel” Weasley is rubbed out, Potter won’t rest until he finds the dark wizard culprit. Half-muggle, half-wizard, all action! Morgan Freeman narrates.
Now, please excuse me. I have a pitch meeting with Paramount. Ciao, babe.
If you have any movie ideas better than “Planet of the Apes,” e-mail Brad at boron@wisc.edu.
